oh well, joke time, good OR bad

[Paul]

The Village Idiot

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

"I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

"Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor weeing off a balcony.

"You've got to be kidding," said St. Paul, "Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems."

"I don't care," said God, "This is the guy."

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: "What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?"

"No," said God, "I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president."

"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?" Paul asked.

"That's all right," said God, "he'll never take Florida."

 

[Paul]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold
move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in
the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the
shower!

:roll: :roll:

 

[floyd500b]

Nice :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[(RIP) PLANK]

can we see the photos :wink: :lol:

 

[Deleted Member D]

Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

 

[rag1873]

Re: Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

 

[Deleted Member D]

Re: Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :?

 

[rag1873]

Re: Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :?

Its still bad!!!

 

[Deleted Member D]

Re: Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :?

Its still bad!!!

Shall I erase it ? :?

 

[(RIP) PLANK]

I have one a friends young daughter told me!

what do you call fish with no eyes?

'FSH' it works better when you say it, but not much :lol:

 

[rag1873]

Re: Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :?

Its still bad!!!

Shall I erase it ? :?

No... its so bad i laughed!!!

 

[floyd500b]

I have one a friends young daughter told me!

what do you call fish with no eyes?

'FSH' it works better when you say it, but not much :lol:

Yeah - that's a bit lame :smile:

 

[Paul]

What is the difference between a fish and a piano ?

You can't tuna fish.
:lol:

 

[zippy656]

Re: Baby cry

This is bad. ........................................................................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long.

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :?

get him on here then, as some of yours are VERY bad..

 

[Paul]

husband and wife are shopping in Tesco when the husband picks up crate of Stella and places it in the trolley,"What do you think youre doing" says the wife,"Theyre on offer,10 quid for 24 cans"he says."put them back,we cant afford it "says his wife.They carry on shopping,when further down the aisles the wife picks up a jar of 20 quid face cream and puts it in the trolley."What do you think youre doing"says hubby."Its my face cream,it makes me look beautiful"says his missus."Hubby replies"so does 24 cans of Stella,and its half the price"

 

[Paul]

The Dear Friends Email

Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat cr*p in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me
for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank
clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for
pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to
seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the five quid I found dropped in the car park because
it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your
head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a
lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have any friends, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 

[floyd500b]

I'm sure this has been posted quite recently - may have been another site :?

 

[willow]

Yep heard it before
:smile:
Was it zippy
:?:

 

[willow]

irish joke

Irish man in bed with his wife gets woken up by the nieghbours dog barking.
He says to his wife I can,t stand this I am going to do something about it.
He leaves the house and 15mins later he returns
Wife says ok so what have done :roll:
He says I have put the dog in our garden See how they like it

 

[floyd500b]

I think so - you gonna respond Zippy - worth another post!!