oh well, joke time, good OR bad
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CaptLimey
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Another funny (I hope!)
During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced, by the revolutionaries, to death by the guillotine.
The Englishman is offered a blindfold and the opportunity to lay face down or face up. He boldly rejects the blindfold and says “I’ll meet my maker like a true Brit you Froggy…… (expletive deleted!!)”. He lays face up on the bench and sneers at the crowd. The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade descends at an alarming rate only to stop abruptly within millimetres of his neck! The crowd roars with disappointment and, as tradition states, if the condemned is not executed on the first fall of the blade, he must be freed. The prisoner is released to boos and shouts from the disappointed ghouls.
The Scotsman is next, like his predecessor he declines the blindfold, cursing his captors, he lays face up to watch the damnable machine send him to his death. Again the executioner yanks on the cord, the blade comes rushing down to sever his head, only to cease its deadly decent just a fraction from his neck! Again the crowd scream with renewed intensity having been, yet again, deprived of the blood and gore spectacle.
Finally the Irishman is led to the execution scaffold. Like his fellow condemned he declines the blindfold and takes his place facing the suspended blade.
The executioner seizes the release cord……he lifts it high and is about to give it a hefty tug…….. when the Irishman raises his hand…….. pointing to the top of the guillotine and says “Joost a minnit.... oi can see de trouble!”
My sincere apologies to our English, Scottish and Irish members, no offence meant, honest! CL
During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced, by the revolutionaries, to death by the guillotine.
The Englishman is offered a blindfold and the opportunity to lay face down or face up. He boldly rejects the blindfold and says “I’ll meet my maker like a true Brit you Froggy…… (expletive deleted!!)”. He lays face up on the bench and sneers at the crowd. The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade descends at an alarming rate only to stop abruptly within millimetres of his neck! The crowd roars with disappointment and, as tradition states, if the condemned is not executed on the first fall of the blade, he must be freed. The prisoner is released to boos and shouts from the disappointed ghouls.
The Scotsman is next, like his predecessor he declines the blindfold, cursing his captors, he lays face up to watch the damnable machine send him to his death. Again the executioner yanks on the cord, the blade comes rushing down to sever his head, only to cease its deadly decent just a fraction from his neck! Again the crowd scream with renewed intensity having been, yet again, deprived of the blood and gore spectacle.
Finally the Irishman is led to the execution scaffold. Like his fellow condemned he declines the blindfold and takes his place facing the suspended blade.
The executioner seizes the release cord……he lifts it high and is about to give it a hefty tug…….. when the Irishman raises his hand…….. pointing to the top of the guillotine and says “Joost a minnit.... oi can see de trouble!”
My sincere apologies to our English, Scottish and Irish members, no offence meant, honest! CL
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Talking of jokes..
An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.
"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."
"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."
"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"
An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.
"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."
"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."
"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"
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First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... :roll:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... :roll:
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joke time
2 blokes are on a night out when they decide they want to go to a nightclub.they wait in line to get in the club and finally its there turn to pay when the bouncer says to one of the blokes i'm sorry but you can't come in unless you are wearing a tie.the bloke says to his mate you go in and i will meet you inside as i'm sure iv'e got a spare tie in the car.the bloke nips back to his car franticly searching for a tie but all he can find are some jump leads.he put them on and tries his hardest to make them look like a tie.he waits in line again and he finally reaches the door wwhen yet again the bouncer stops him and explains about the tie rule.the bloke begs the bouncer to let him in as he has done his best with the jump leads.after some begging the bouncer finally says o.k i will let you in but you better not start anything :smile:
2 blokes are on a night out when they decide they want to go to a nightclub.they wait in line to get in the club and finally its there turn to pay when the bouncer says to one of the blokes i'm sorry but you can't come in unless you are wearing a tie.the bloke says to his mate you go in and i will meet you inside as i'm sure iv'e got a spare tie in the car.the bloke nips back to his car franticly searching for a tie but all he can find are some jump leads.he put them on and tries his hardest to make them look like a tie.he waits in line again and he finally reaches the door wwhen yet again the bouncer stops him and explains about the tie rule.the bloke begs the bouncer to let him in as he has done his best with the jump leads.after some begging the bouncer finally says o.k i will let you in but you better not start anything :smile:
Deleted Member D
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Youve no chance mate :lol:zippy656 said:
That will go on for ever I reckon :lol:
Go on willow go for it gal -rotfl- -boxing2-
Deleted Member D
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Good old Chris
Nice one Chris
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present
for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a £20 pair of
sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the
knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when
we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones
(which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I
hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my Love, Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
Nice one Chris
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present
for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a £20 pair of
sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the
knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
following letter
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when
we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would
have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones
(which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I
hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my Love, Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.
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blonde jokes
what did the blonde girl say when she opened a box of cheerio's?
oh look doughnut seeds........ :?
two blonde girls walking down the street when one finds a mirror on the floor.she picks it up,looks in it and says to her mate"i know that face but i just can't think who it is"
her mate says "give it here and let me have a look"
she looks in the mirror and laughs"its me you dizzy cow!!"
a blonde,brunette and a redhead are on the run and they decide to to hide in a barn over night.in the early hours of the morning the police are searching all the buildings on the farm so the 3 girls decide to hide in some big sacks until the police have gone.
the police come into the barn and have a good look round.
all they can see is hay bales and a pile of sacks.the copper smacked the first sack in which the brunette was hiding and she meowed.just cats thought the copper.
he smacks the next sack in which the redhead was hiding and she yelped and barked.just puppies thought the copper.
he smacks the third sack in which the blonde was hiding and she shouted potatoes.......
what did the blonde girl say when she opened a box of cheerio's?
oh look doughnut seeds........ :?
two blonde girls walking down the street when one finds a mirror on the floor.she picks it up,looks in it and says to her mate"i know that face but i just can't think who it is"
her mate says "give it here and let me have a look"
she looks in the mirror and laughs"its me you dizzy cow!!"
a blonde,brunette and a redhead are on the run and they decide to to hide in a barn over night.in the early hours of the morning the police are searching all the buildings on the farm so the 3 girls decide to hide in some big sacks until the police have gone.
the police come into the barn and have a good look round.
all they can see is hay bales and a pile of sacks.the copper smacked the first sack in which the brunette was hiding and she meowed.just cats thought the copper.
he smacks the next sack in which the redhead was hiding and she yelped and barked.just puppies thought the copper.
he smacks the third sack in which the blonde was hiding and she shouted potatoes.......
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- 7,699
dabda the one about the gloves was in my opinion the best one yet! well done -cheers-
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- 7,699
and what about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa? :lol:
