oh well, joke time, good OR bad
- Thread starter zippy656
- Start date
Help Support Nissan 4x4 Owners Club Forum:
early pc pre 1972
The Original Computer!!!!
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
?You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
?
The Original Computer!!!!
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy.
?You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!
?
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2007
- Messages
- 1,932
Corny Christmas Jokes
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. Can I have a puppy for Christmas ?
No.
You'll have turkey like everyone else.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Hannah
Hannah who
Hannah partridge in a pear tree
Advice from Santa
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue
Until all the birds have flown South for the winter
What do you call a reindeer in the desert?
Lost
How does Good King Wencelas like his pizza ?
Deep pan, crisp and even
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle
Santa's sleigh broke down last christmas
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked if he could help
The motorist replied "I'm sorry, I am not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
Santa asked "In that case, can you give me a tow?"
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. Can I have a puppy for Christmas ?
No.
You'll have turkey like everyone else.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Hannah
Hannah who
Hannah partridge in a pear tree
Advice from Santa
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue
Until all the birds have flown South for the winter
What do you call a reindeer in the desert?
Lost
How does Good King Wencelas like his pizza ?
Deep pan, crisp and even
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle
Santa's sleigh broke down last christmas
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked if he could help
The motorist replied "I'm sorry, I am not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
Santa asked "In that case, can you give me a tow?"
Deleted Member D
Well-known member
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- Dec 14, 2007
- Messages
- 1,296
Peter Kay one liners
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid
problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men = kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid
problem?'
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men = kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither
14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Deleted Member D
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- 1,296
Peter Kay truths
PETER KAY'S
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
PETER KAY'S
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Terranosaurus
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- Messages
- 3,991
abdull:- how was your holiday rashid?
rashid :- not bad but the muder mystery weekend in mumbi was a bit intense.
rashid :- not bad but the muder mystery weekend in mumbi was a bit intense.
Terranosaurus
Well-known member
- Joined
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- Messages
- 3,991
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says.....
do you know how to drive this thing?
do you know how to drive this thing?
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- Mar 14, 2006
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- 7,699
doctor you have to get this steering wheel out of my pants!
its driving me nuts! :lol:
its driving me nuts! :lol:
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- Jul 2, 2007
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- 1,932
Here are a few pics of the sorts of jobs that you don't find many people applying for :-
Errrm anyone got a torch?
Not one for the easily scared.....
Maybe you should have called the plumber just a bit earlier.
So that's why it's called a manhole.
It brings a whole new meaning to "Porta Poti"
Hope these made you smile. Remember there is always someone worse off than you.
Paul..
Errrm anyone got a torch?
Not one for the easily scared.....
Maybe you should have called the plumber just a bit earlier.
So that's why it's called a manhole.
It brings a whole new meaning to "Porta Poti"
Hope these made you smile. Remember there is always someone worse off than you.
Paul..
zippy656
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- Aug 30, 2008
- Messages
- 14,077
You learn a lot in your teenage years.
For example, I learnt that
if you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through
a little tunnel, then onto a mini-seesaw and then jump through a
ring of fire......they've been trained for that.
For example, I learnt that
if you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through
a little tunnel, then onto a mini-seesaw and then jump through a
ring of fire......they've been trained for that.
zippy656
Well-known member
- Joined
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- Messages
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A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load
across the carriageway......... Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded,
astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.
across the carriageway......... Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded,
astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.
zippy656
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2008
- Messages
- 14,077
I tried to cook an African casserole for dinner last night using Hyena meat and oxo cubes.
It didn't turn out well and just made myself a laughing stock.
A coach carrying a hundred professional stuntmen to a convention had an accident on the motorway.
It crashed through the central reservation, ploughed into a juggernaut, fell thirty feet down an
embankment and turned over six times before hitting a wall, bursting into flames and exploding.
No one was injured.
It didn't turn out well and just made myself a laughing stock.
A coach carrying a hundred professional stuntmen to a convention had an accident on the motorway.
It crashed through the central reservation, ploughed into a juggernaut, fell thirty feet down an
embankment and turned over six times before hitting a wall, bursting into flames and exploding.
No one was injured.
