oh well, joke time, good OR bad

[Paul]

The Zen Master is visiting London from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a £20.00 note.

The vendor puts the £ 20.00 in the till and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

 

[Deleted Member D]

yep, think you best had.

ill get mine too, after all i did start this post..

No No dont blame yourself zippy please cos its a good idea really.
But its bound to attract the triers and the closet wanna be's. :lol:

 

[Paul]

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a large bin.

Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.

It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

 

[zippy656]

lol thanks mate..


jsut had a bad week at work ..


30 odd people made redundant..

 

[Paul]

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.

A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane.
They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"??

The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, " THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

 

[Deleted Member D]

Kids on Church

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
Were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


A father was at the beach with his children
When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[zippy656]

like it

 

[(RIP) PLANK]

sorry lads but you seem to be getting this all wrong, its about 'BAD JOKES' ant these are all pretty good, now BAT21 has the right idea, well done that man :lol:

 

[Deleted Member D]

sorry lads but you seem to be getting this all wrong, its about 'BAD JOKES' ant these are all pretty good, now BAT21 has the right idea, well done that man :lol:

Yeh but he got his coat and left after the last one. :lol:

 

[zippy656]

sorry PLANK couldn't resist changing the title after that comment



youll let me off i hope!?!?!?!

 

[Bibio]

Ten things men know about women.




(1) They have a vigina.








(2)













(3)













(4)














(5)













(6)













(7)














(8)











(9)













(10) OH and boobs

 

[Deleted Member D]

sorry PLANK couldn't resist changing the title after that comment



youll let me off i hope!?!?!?!

Nice one :lol:

 

[Paul]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions? I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[(RIP) PLANK]

change the title if you please if it attracts more quality material like the stuff we have had I'm all for it :wink:

 

[Terranosaurus]

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bleeders have managed to nick a motorbike already".

 

[floyd500b]

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Paul]

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bleeders have managed to nick a motorbike already".

-rotfl- -rotfl- -rotfl- Knowing the Greater Manchester Police, this is soo true..

 

[zippy656]

well plank, i can but try, some have been good..

 

[Paul]

Why, Why, Why,



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
almost dead?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is
not enough money?


____________ _________ _________ _____

Why does someone

Believe you when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


____________ _________ _________ _____



Why does Superman stop bullets with
his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Whose
idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

____________ _________ _________ _____


If people evolved from apes,

Why are there still apes?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

____________ _________ _________ _____

Is
there ever a day that mattresses

Are not on sale?
____________ _________ _________ _____

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


____________ _________ _________ _____



How do those dead bugs get into those
closed light fixtures?

____________ _________ _________ _____



When we are in the supermarket and
someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why
do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


____________ _________ _________ _____



In winter why do we try to keep the
house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


____________ _________ _________ _____




How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



____________ _________ _________ _____





And my FAVORITE.... ..

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --
if they're okay, then it's you.
:lol: :lol:

 

[zippy656]

over 50? read on

Perks of being over 50
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .



And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Send a copy of this to everyone you can remember.