oh well, joke time, good OR bad
- Thread starter zippy656
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zippy656
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren’t so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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- Mar 14, 2006
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you know i allways play by the rules and I will accept this one is cutting it bit fine so moderators feel free to moderate:
why did humpty dumpty push his girl friend off the wall?
he wanted to see her crack ! :lol: :lol:
why did humpty dumpty push his girl friend off the wall?
he wanted to see her crack ! :lol: :lol:
Thermostat
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- Oct 23, 2008
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- 127
:lol:
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- 1,932
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her some bathroom scales .
And then the fight started.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station....
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her some bathroom scales .
And then the fight started.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station....
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...
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there were 3 pigs.
the 1st pig went 2 a bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then went 2 the toilet then left
the 2nd pig went 2 the same bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then went 2 the toilet and left.
the 3rd pig went 2 the same bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then was just bout 2 walk out wen the bartender said 2 the lil pig
'r u not gonna go 2 the toilet?'
the lil pig replied 'NO im the lil piggy and i go weee weee weee all the way home'
the 1st pig went 2 a bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then went 2 the toilet then left
the 2nd pig went 2 the same bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then went 2 the toilet and left.
the 3rd pig went 2 the same bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then was just bout 2 walk out wen the bartender said 2 the lil pig
'r u not gonna go 2 the toilet?'
the lil pig replied 'NO im the lil piggy and i go weee weee weee all the way home'
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- 1,932
The other day i bought myself some sensible walking boots
and a little rucksack
and i went up to the lake district,
i walked for about five miles
then i stopped
and sat on a stone wall
and had a flask of coffee,
then i walked another five miles
and stopped
and had another flask........
bloody hell i'm rambling :lol: :lol:
and a little rucksack
and i went up to the lake district,
i walked for about five miles
then i stopped
and sat on a stone wall
and had a flask of coffee,
then i walked another five miles
and stopped
and had another flask........
bloody hell i'm rambling :lol: :lol:
tezzer
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- Nov 2, 2008
- Messages
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police in alabama have found a terrorists body, who'd been whipped, hung from a tree, shot 6 times & set on fire, sheriff said it's the worst suicide he'd ever seen.
paddy's wife is ready to give birth, he rushes her to hospital, on arrival midwife say's is she dilated?, paddy replies "jaysus she's over the blinking moon. (i have edited these, so i'll let you workout how)
tezzer
paddy's wife is ready to give birth, he rushes her to hospital, on arrival midwife say's is she dilated?, paddy replies "jaysus she's over the blinking moon. (i have edited these, so i'll let you workout how)
tezzer
- Joined
- Jul 2, 2007
- Messages
- 1,932
The Biggest Lies
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come
up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after
"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help you."
Here is a sampling from the thousands she
received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only
have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your
height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have
guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an
apartment of my own so I can have some
peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The
company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I
promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to
get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my
personal guarantee."
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come
up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after
"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help you."
Here is a sampling from the thousands she
received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only
have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your
height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have
guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an
apartment of my own so I can have some
peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The
company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I
promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to
get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my
personal guarantee."
THE BOUNCING CHEQUE
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
