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Just left the bus stop, there was a pregnant woman standing there. 'When's it due?' I asked her. 'Two weeks,' she said. 'damn,' I replied, 'I may as well bloody walk then.'

A dad took his little girl to the barbers. While he sat in the chair having his hair cut, the little girl stood close to him, nibbling on a cake. The barber smiled at her and said, "You're going to get hair on your muffin." She replied, "I know. I'm going to get tits too."

Brummie walks into a tailors. "Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please." The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?" Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."

" alice " uses adblue ..... on my contract its classed as a service item which I don't pay for :D , but if I did I was told it varies in price but is around £2 a litre

oh very good :thumb2:clap:clap

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?” The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop, answered “Uh, yes, ma’am. We do.” The little old lady, holding her...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

alice does about 65mpg on a run , and around 50 mpg around town ... she is a 1.6 turbo diesel ( blue hdi ) and has 100 bhp

While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?" "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted...

you don't have to leave , I don't have a terrano anymore and I'm still here :D

id like to thank dave at number 26 for the gazebo , it looks lovely in my garden :o

My mate's wife left him on Sunday, She said she was only going out for a pint of milk and hasn't been seen since, I asked him how he was coping.. ... "Not bad" he said "I've been using that powdered stuff".

well done matthew :thumb2

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order. 'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. The drinks were brought out...

This morning on the A1 I looked over to my right and there was a woman In a brand new range Rover doing at least 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.!! I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in...

Test Results Sickness Quotient: 51% Your "Sickness Quotient" of 51% is hardly cause for concern. Detailed Diagnosis Interpersonal Insights You are utterly incapable of meaningful relationships, which is probably a good thing since you're a horrible bore under the best of conditions. You...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your Bloody hair cut. Then we'll talk...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt...

Donald Trump and Barack Obama went to the same barbershop for a shave. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who...

During work Mike and John are chatting, Mike: "I've been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week." John: "Oh!" Mike: "For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?" John: "No." Mike: "He is the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know...