Top Tips from VIZ

lacroupade · 15-01-2010, 13:02

Some Viz top Tips....

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway.

ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.

TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan.

A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.

AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence.

WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.

SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place.

YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.

PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.

FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended.

HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.

(RIP) PLANK · 15-01-2010, 21:25

Bored Office Workers - by joining together thousands of paper clips you can make an atractive chain mail tank top, ideal for those Knights out!

makeitfit · 15-01-2010, 22:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by PLANK

Bored Office Workers - by joining together thousands of paper clips you can make an atractive chain mail tank top, ideal for those Knights out!

I want one

Hey Zippy, any chance you could knock one up on Monday for us

zippy656 · 15-01-2010, 22:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by makeitfit

I want one

Hey Zippy, any chance you could knock one up on Monday for us

have to order more paper clips

makeitfit · 15-01-2010, 22:31

Nice one , I'll ask her indoors for my dimensions

I'll fax them off to you

Deleted account DD · 15-01-2010, 22:32

Love it

zippy656 · 15-01-2010, 22:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by makeitfit

Nice one , I'll ask her indoors for my dimensions

I'll fax them off to you

ill make one for her..

only if i can do a personal fitting

makeitfit · 15-01-2010, 22:44

She's a bit bisy that day, but here's my sizes

I cant wait

The Patrolman · 16-01-2010, 09:32

Another top
Save money on expensive numberplates by changeing your name by Deed Poll
Regards
Mr R697CUM

The Patrolman · 16-01-2010, 09:34

Another top tip!!

Stop bread from drying out and going hard by keeping it in a bucket of water!!

(RIP) PLANK · 16-01-2010, 12:17

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Patrolman

Another top
Save money on expensive numberplates by changeing your name by Deed Poll
Regards
Mr R697CUM

you see i did that years ago
regards
Mr P1 ANK

MudLifeCrisis · 18-01-2010, 23:49

Quote:

Originally Posted by PLANK

you see i did that years ago
regards
Mr P1 ANK

Me too.

Mr TAJ470R

makeitfit · 19-01-2010, 00:04

I'm saving up to buy TOS53R

tezzer · 19-01-2010, 00:33

i've seen PEN I5 around wickford and it was on a jag xjs with a lady driving, would'nt mine meeting her,

15-01-2010, 13:02	#1
lacroupade Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: All hail to the Glove of Love... Posts: 9,212	Top Tips from VIZ Some Viz top Tips.... WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains. GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail. EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it. DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and I hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the thing like a sodding dodgem car anyway. ANGLERS: Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "fish" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day. SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings. TIGHT-ARSED blokes: Only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will have chucked you. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, phone your wife to take the egg out the pan. A POST-IT Note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers. AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless America" to your every sentence. WHEN visiting a motorway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of cake, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the tills, saving time and embarrassment. CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack. HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone. SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive strain injury by holding down the "prog+" button on your remote control and taping your finger in place. YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist. PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife. FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get drunk after your playing career has ended. HORSE whisperers: Speak louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus speeding up training times.

15-01-2010, 21:25	#2
(RIP) PLANK Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Central England, in the Heart of the Black Country Vehicle: T2 2004 TDI SE LWB Posts: 7,740	Bored Office Workers - by joining together thousands of paper clips you can make an atractive chain mail tank top, ideal for those Knights out!

15-01-2010, 22:31	#5
makeitfit Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: on the beach WEST WALES Vehicle: Maverick TDi BLACK mmm Posts: 15,136	Nice one , I'll ask her indoors for my dimensions I'll fax them off to you

15-01-2010, 22:32	#6
Deleted account DD Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 4,705	Love it

15-01-2010, 22:44	#8
makeitfit Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: on the beach WEST WALES Vehicle: Maverick TDi BLACK mmm Posts: 15,136	She's a bit bisy that day, but here's my sizes I cant wait

16-01-2010, 09:32	#9
The Patrolman Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Redcar, Teesside Vehicle: Y60 Patrol 4.2 PeTroll Posts: 2,122	Another top Save money on expensive numberplates by changeing your name by Deed Poll Regards Mr R697CUM

16-01-2010, 09:34	#10
The Patrolman Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Redcar, Teesside Vehicle: Y60 Patrol 4.2 PeTroll Posts: 2,122	Another top tip!! Stop bread from drying out and going hard by keeping it in a bucket of water!!

19-01-2010, 00:04	#13
makeitfit Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: on the beach WEST WALES Vehicle: Maverick TDi BLACK mmm Posts: 15,136	I'm saving up to buy TOS53R

19-01-2010, 00:33	#14
tezzer Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: basildon essex Vehicle: transit camper van 1987 Posts: 2,829	i've seen PEN I5 around wickford and it was on a jag xjs with a lady driving, would'nt mine meeting her,