Please come to my funeral

Lazy-Ferret · 07-03-2015, 00:32

So I have a little story.... this is not for those that are easily offended though...

Just to set the scene, those that have met me, will know, I am no light weight, and Suz is smaller than me.... Also we are currently redecorating our bedroom which is at the back of the house, and there is only woodland behind us. Because of this, for the last few days, we have not had any curtains up.

This morning, Suz was working from home, so there was no need to rush getting up... Unfortunately, with no Curtains up on Suz side of the bed, and today being a lovely Sunny day, we were awakened by the sun streaming in the window at pretty much the normal time we would get up anyway.

We decided to have a bit of a married persons snuggle instead of getting up, and when we were finished, Suz went off for a shower, while I laid back in bed, right in the middle, doing star shapes, and basking in the afterglow. I was feeling pretty pleased with my performance.

Anyway, I must have dozed off, as I was awoken by Suz pulling the bed covers back on my side of the bed and climbing in beside me on the wrong side. She said that the neighbor was in the garden and was looking straight up at the window, so she was going to wait a second before going round her side of the bed to get dressed.

The problem was, just as quickly as the thoughts of a possible round two entered my mind, and she slipped under the bed covers, they were immediately quashed by a huge cracking sound, then an even louder bang, and then the bed collapsed...

Now as they say, that is how the argument started... Why do we men never learn to shut up... first words out of my mouth... "wow, how much do you weigh?"... and for some reason I qualified that with, "All this time, I have slept on that side of the bed, and it was fine, but the first time you climb in, and kill it"... The look I received did kill my voice box, but still failed to wipe the smirk off my face...

Needless to say, Suz was mortified, but still I did not learn... I could not stop the smirk, and it was like everything we saw, read or heard set me up to make some great comment, which she second guessed and gave me that look before I could form the words....

The bed is about 15 years old, and is a solid Oak frame, and as far as we knew, a pretty good one. In order to try and hide my smirk, and keep out of making any more of the comments that keep popping into my head, I spent the afternoon taking the bed apart, giving it a postmortem and then setting too, re-building it. Basically, I was amazed it had lasted this long, it was really badly glued, with only a small bead of a poor quality glue that had turned to powder, running down the middle of the 2 x 1, 6 foot batten, which also had 5 thin wood screws holding it to the side frame. This batten had all the cross slats sitting on it.

So, off I went to Wickes, still smirking, got a load of wood and spent the afternoon Screwing the hell out of the bed....

I have posted this for you all to read, but if Suz finds out, I am sure I will be a dead man, so if this has brought a smile to you, please come to my funeral.

macabethiel · 07-03-2015, 01:01

What you need is a water bed !

We have had one since May 1987 when I was ill with Hodgkins Lyphoma and was having terrible night sweats from the disease and subsequent Chemotherapy treatment.

Forget the kinky sex industry image of a water bed they are brilliant in so many ways but a bit tricky for matramonial activities due to what I will call the wave / inertia effect. For a few years we actually reverted to doing that on the floor !

We started with a hard sided water bed and about 5 years ago we relegated the original bed to our spare room and we now have a Emperor Sized (7ft x 7ft) soft sided water bed - they are easier to get out of when you get older.

We have what they call a mud matress and its like sleeping on a warm bed of mud in the winter and a cool bed of mud in the summer. We will never go back to a conventional matress. They never wear out and are as comfortable on the last day of ownership as they are on the first.

I just do not understand why they are not more popular. Low alergy as you can hoover up the dead skin and hardly any space for the mites that live in every bed as you can wipe the PVC matress with disinfectant and put the quilted matress cover in the washing machine regularly. Costwise our first water bed was £300 and it still as good as new.

Terrano Steve · 07-03-2015, 08:05

Very funny but if Suz does read this I am sure it will be a long time before she allows such a situation to arise again if you know what I mean.

AlexD333 · 07-03-2015, 10:14

Shame round two was screwing the hell out of the bed though

Edit - I'll attend the funeral though...

firebobby · 07-03-2015, 10:29

When I think of water bed, I think of Steptoe and son when "Arold !" and "that Bird", made it leak

The concern I have with water beds, is the weight of all that water...240 gallons is about a tonne

AlexD333 · 07-03-2015, 10:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by firebobby

When I think of water bed, I think of Steptoe and son when "Arold !" and "that Bird", made it leak

The concern I have with water beds, is the weight of all that water...240 gallons is about a tonne

Just waiting for a ferret to nibble a hole in it

rustic · 07-03-2015, 10:55

When you go up to do the repair, you can honestly say you are going upstairs to make the bed.

When I read this, and you mentioned your neighbour, and there was a loud crack, I thought that you were going to say that your neighbour had fallen out of the tree in the back garden lol...

jims-terrano · 07-03-2015, 11:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by firebobby

When I think of water bed, I think of Steptoe and son when "Arold !" and "that Bird", made it leak

The concern I have with water beds, is the weight of all that water...240 gallons is about a tonne

I think talking about weight is what got him into this mess in the first place

macabethiel · 07-03-2015, 12:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by firebobby

When I think of water bed, I think of Steptoe and son when "Arold !" and "that Bird", made it leak

The concern I have with water beds, is the weight of all that water...240 gallons is about a tonne

Well we had cats for over 20 years and they never managed to make it spring a leak with all that claw scratching.
If you do get a leak it tends to be from the top of the mattress so you can end up with a damp patch but ours came with a repair outfit that we did use once on our first matress that was un-baffeled we changed to a fully baffled mud mattress due to the movement issues and never had a problem since.

You are right about the weight ours would have about 2200 lbs worth of water and that is over a ton. Thing is unlike a conventional bed where you might have four or six legs with a pretty hefty load per contact square inch (like a stilleto heel) with a water bed it distributes the load over the whole of the frame and internal support system. I guess there might be issues with a very cheap design or a badly home made one but as they tend to be specialist suppliers they build them to last.

Ours original bed has additional support in the form of six criss cross star paddles that support the whole of the mattress area underneath where you are lying this means that the load per square inch is much less than a conventional bed despite its weight.

One downside for the Ladies is that you cant move them without emptying them so no change of room layout each spring. lol

If you go for a drawer devan design these have additional supports in the centre and between the drawers. Never heard of anyone having an issue in the floor supporting the water bed though it might be an issue if the joists were extensively rotten. Older houses would have thicker timber so even then its unlkely.

The heating cost is around a £1.00 a week if you like them warm like we do.
Oddly enough if you accidentally leave them unplugged the water takes about two days before you notice its cooler. If you leave them off completely in the summer you can't stand the coldness - its like a Morturary slab its so cool. Only way round it is to put a couple of blankets underneath you until it heats up again.

The heating mat and thermostat on our first water bed is still working fine after 28 years of continuous use.

solarman216 · 07-03-2015, 14:52

yep had a water bed since 1984, would not be without it, even had one on our narrow boat, had a single panel radiator under the mattress so when we rejoined after a period at home the bed heated real quick from the CH, Rick

macabethiel · 07-03-2015, 15:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by solarman216

yep had a water bed since 1984, would not be without it, even had one on our narrow boat, had a single panel radiator under the mattress so when we rejoined after a period at home the bed heated real quick from the CH, Rick

A man of impeccable taste obviously !

Like the quick start heater idea on the boat !

Thomas-the-Terrano2 · 07-03-2015, 23:40

cant help thinking of old gag

we bought a water bed but then we drifted apart....

Sweety · 08-03-2015, 01:03

your ferrets haven't been trying to help out with the DIY again have they

My wife posted a pic on my FB wall (people on my friends list will see it) of a floating look bed she likes, more DIY for me

terrano bob · 08-03-2015, 01:18

lazy-ferret i'll come mate as long that you I've ham sandwich mate ho but you won't no will you

Lazy-Ferret · 08-03-2015, 16:24

The water bed sounds interesting, I have never looked into them, so know nothing about them. We have just spent £600 on a new mattress, so hopefully we won't need to be getting one for a while.

As you say though, our bed only has the 4 legs on the ground, each about 3" round, so the weight of the bed, plus two people is spread over just 28"square. so about 30psi.

A 6' x 6'6" water bed, is 5615"square, So even with all the water and 2 people the pressure is only 0.5psi. I guess my only worry is, ultimately the beams take all the weight, and the quantity that is spread across only increases by a couple.

The only problem I can see, is I like a cool bed, Suz likes a hot bed, so we would be arguing over the temperature...

07-03-2015, 00:32	#1
Lazy-Ferret Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Sevenoaks, Kent Vehicle: Terrano 2.7TDi SE Touring Posts: 5,221	Please come to my funeral So I have a little story.... this is not for those that are easily offended though... Just to set the scene, those that have met me, will know, I am no light weight, and Suz is smaller than me.... Also we are currently redecorating our bedroom which is at the back of the house, and there is only woodland behind us. Because of this, for the last few days, we have not had any curtains up. This morning, Suz was working from home, so there was no need to rush getting up... Unfortunately, with no Curtains up on Suz side of the bed, and today being a lovely Sunny day, we were awakened by the sun streaming in the window at pretty much the normal time we would get up anyway. We decided to have a bit of a married persons snuggle instead of getting up, and when we were finished, Suz went off for a shower, while I laid back in bed, right in the middle, doing star shapes, and basking in the afterglow. I was feeling pretty pleased with my performance. Anyway, I must have dozed off, as I was awoken by Suz pulling the bed covers back on my side of the bed and climbing in beside me on the wrong side. She said that the neighbor was in the garden and was looking straight up at the window, so she was going to wait a second before going round her side of the bed to get dressed. The problem was, just as quickly as the thoughts of a possible round two entered my mind, and she slipped under the bed covers, they were immediately quashed by a huge cracking sound, then an even louder bang, and then the bed collapsed... Now as they say, that is how the argument started... Why do we men never learn to shut up... first words out of my mouth... "wow, how much do you weigh?"... and for some reason I qualified that with, "All this time, I have slept on that side of the bed, and it was fine, but the first time you climb in, and kill it"... The look I received did kill my voice box, but still failed to wipe the smirk off my face... Needless to say, Suz was mortified, but still I did not learn... I could not stop the smirk, and it was like everything we saw, read or heard set me up to make some great comment, which she second guessed and gave me that look before I could form the words.... The bed is about 15 years old, and is a solid Oak frame, and as far as we knew, a pretty good one. In order to try and hide my smirk, and keep out of making any more of the comments that keep popping into my head, I spent the afternoon taking the bed apart, giving it a postmortem and then setting too, re-building it. Basically, I was amazed it had lasted this long, it was really badly glued, with only a small bead of a poor quality glue that had turned to powder, running down the middle of the 2 x 1, 6 foot batten, which also had 5 thin wood screws holding it to the side frame. This batten had all the cross slats sitting on it. So, off I went to Wickes, still smirking, got a load of wood and spent the afternoon Screwing the hell out of the bed.... I have posted this for you all to read, but if Suz finds out, I am sure I will be a dead man, so if this has brought a smile to you, please come to my funeral.

07-03-2015, 01:01	#2
macabethiel Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Derby Vehicle: Freelander & Jeep GC 3.0 Posts: 4,416	A bed story ! What you need is a water bed ! We have had one since May 1987 when I was ill with Hodgkins Lyphoma and was having terrible night sweats from the disease and subsequent Chemotherapy treatment. Forget the kinky sex industry image of a water bed they are brilliant in so many ways but a bit tricky for matramonial activities due to what I will call the wave / inertia effect. For a few years we actually reverted to doing that on the floor ! We started with a hard sided water bed and about 5 years ago we relegated the original bed to our spare room and we now have a Emperor Sized (7ft x 7ft) soft sided water bed - they are easier to get out of when you get older. We have what they call a mud matress and its like sleeping on a warm bed of mud in the winter and a cool bed of mud in the summer. We will never go back to a conventional matress. They never wear out and are as comfortable on the last day of ownership as they are on the first. I just do not understand why they are not more popular. Low alergy as you can hoover up the dead skin and hardly any space for the mites that live in every bed as you can wipe the PVC matress with disinfectant and put the quilted matress cover in the washing machine regularly. Costwise our first water bed was £300 and it still as good as new.

07-03-2015, 10:55	#7
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	When you go up to do the repair, you can honestly say you are going upstairs to make the bed. When I read this, and you mentioned your neighbour, and there was a loud crack, I thought that you were going to say that your neighbour had fallen out of the tree in the back garden lol... __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

07-03-2015, 14:52	#10
solarman216 Off road maniac Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Bexhill on Sea Vehicle: Y60 Patrol Me, 3 ltr Mrs Posts: 17,428	yep had a water bed since 1984, would not be without it, even had one on our narrow boat, had a single panel radiator under the mattress so when we rejoined after a period at home the bed heated real quick from the CH, Rick __________________ Ex banger racer now off road maniac Lokka on the front with manual hubs Diff lock on rear 3 inch SS straight through exhaust Manly winch bumper with 13000 lb winch 10 spike ground anchor, with multiple straps and blocks Super strong body cills capped with scaffold pole 20% stronger springs all round aggressive off road tyres on wheels so just swap. Aim to get stuck and be completely self sufficient in extraction, love getting muddy, 2ft deep is good but rare.

07-03-2015, 23:40	#12
Thomas-the-Terrano2 Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Hackenthorpe Sheffield Vehicle: Terrano2 R20 lwb 2.7TDi Posts: 5,234	cant help thinking of old gag we bought a water bed but then we drifted apart.... __________________ M6YTB / 20YTB '60' 2010 Ford C Max Zetec 1.6i, black '56' 2006 Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0TD, silver 2021 Bailey Pegasus Grade SE Turin caravan Smile, its more likely to confuse. One Life, Don't Just Live It, Drive a Nissan, or ...... a Jeep. Owner of Nissan 4x4s 2005 to 2019, and maybe in the future too!

07-03-2015, 08:05	#3
Terrano Steve Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: South west Vehicle: Terrano Posts: 522	Very funny but if Suz does read this I am sure it will be a long time before she allows such a situation to arise again if you know what I mean.

07-03-2015, 10:14	#4
AlexD333 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: Uk Vehicle: 2004 Terrano 2.7 TDI Posts: 7,847	Shame round two was screwing the hell out of the bed though Edit - I'll attend the funeral though...

07-03-2015, 10:29	#5
firebobby Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: South Bucks Vehicle: Terrano 3.0 SVE 2005 Posts: 3,499	When I think of water bed, I think of Steptoe and son when "Arold !" and "that Bird", made it leak The concern I have with water beds, is the weight of all that water...240 gallons is about a tonne

08-03-2015, 01:03	#13
Sweety Senior Member Join Date: May 2013 Location: Northumberland Vehicle: Terrano 2.7TDI SE LWB Posts: 3,604	your ferrets haven't been trying to help out with the DIY again have they My wife posted a pic on my FB wall (people on my friends list will see it) of a floating look bed she likes, more DIY for me

08-03-2015, 01:18	#14
terrano bob Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: north west Vehicle: nissan terrano 2 2.7tdi Posts: 1,015	lazy-ferret i'll come mate as long that you I've ham sandwich mate ho but you won't no will you

08-03-2015, 16:24	#15
Lazy-Ferret Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Sevenoaks, Kent Vehicle: Terrano 2.7TDi SE Touring Posts: 5,221	The water bed sounds interesting, I have never looked into them, so know nothing about them. We have just spent £600 on a new mattress, so hopefully we won't need to be getting one for a while. As you say though, our bed only has the 4 legs on the ground, each about 3" round, so the weight of the bed, plus two people is spread over just 28"square. so about 30psi. A 6' x 6'6" water bed, is 5615"square, So even with all the water and 2 people the pressure is only 0.5psi. I guess my only worry is, ultimately the beams take all the weight, and the quantity that is spread across only increases by a couple. The only problem I can see, is I like a cool bed, Suz likes a hot bed, so we would be arguing over the temperature...