Something for everyone

zippy656 · 16-10-2011, 21:33

Something for everyone

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £20.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
God must love stupid people - He made so many

Terranical · 16-10-2011, 21:41

Brilliant, cheered up a generally p****d off day!

Deleted account DD · 16-10-2011, 21:55

excellent

16-10-2011, 21:33	#1
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,138	Something for everyone Something for everyone 1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" 4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. 5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. 6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified. 7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. 9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!" 10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £20. "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web." 11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. 12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. 13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. 14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown." 15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary. God must love stupid people - He made so many

16-10-2011, 21:41	#2
Terranical Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Resident in Bristol, Terrano in Spain Vehicle: 1994 Terrano 2.7TD SWB Posts: 1,398	Brilliant, cheered up a generally p****d off day!

16-10-2011, 21:55	#3
Deleted account DD Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 4,705	excellent