cant find my joke thread, so a new one

zippy656 · 23-12-2008, 17:58

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8’X10’ cell.
AT WORK: You spend most of your day in a 6’X8’ office.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch tv and play games.
AT WORK: You get fired for watching tv and playing games.

IN PRISON: They allow your friends and family to visit you.
AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family or friends.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
IN WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK: They are called Managers

zippy656 · 23-12-2008, 17:59

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten son of a bitch," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!”

zippy656 · 23-12-2008, 18:04

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 20p piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 20p piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the Inland Revenue Service."

zippy656 · 23-12-2008, 18:04

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for
the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down
the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he
noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little
further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They
ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he
woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and
ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He
ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got
to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were
snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry
wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then looked at her, then back at
the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

zippy656 · 23-12-2008, 18:05

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from........ ....................
.................................................. that's where jewelery comes from."

tezzer · 23-12-2008, 19:08

i like it mate

tezzer

zippy656 · 23-12-2008, 19:14

id do more, but i dont want people to think im just posting jokes to get my 1000..

im sure i could find a few 1000... if i looked. so unfair!

tezzer · 23-12-2008, 19:28

>
> > EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE
> > TV
> > AND
> >
> > THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.
> >
> > GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON
HER
> >
> > ARTHRITIC HIP.
> >
> > GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER
> > ON
> > HIS
> >
> > CROTCH.
> >
> > GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID: 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD
> > COOT...
> > THE
> >
> > PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD

tezzer

willow · 23-12-2008, 23:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by zippy656

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten son of a bitch," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!”

willow · 23-12-2008, 23:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by tezzer

>
> > EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE
> > TV
> > AND
> >
> > THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED.
> >
> > GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON
HER
> >
> > ARTHRITIC HIP.
> >
> > GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER
> > ON
> > HIS
> >
> > CROTCH.
> >
> > GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID: 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD
> > COOT...
> > THE
> >
> > PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD

tezzer

well i liked it

zippy656 · 24-12-2008, 10:38

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Scroll down for answers

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking

tezzer · 24-12-2008, 12:15

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
>
> 1: I prefer breasts to legs.
>
> 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
>
> 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
>
> 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst !
>
> 5: I've never seen a better spread!
>
> 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
>
> 7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?
>
> 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
>
> 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some !
>
> 10: Don't play with your meat !
>
> 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will
> go.
>
> 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
> people at once ?
>
> 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same
> time !
>
> 14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
>
> 15: How long will it take after you put it in ?
>
> 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
>
> 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
>
> 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had !
>
> 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all
> morning.
>
> 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and
> still want more.

tezzer

floyd500b · 24-12-2008, 21:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by tezzer

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
>
> 1: I prefer breasts to legs.
>
> 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
>
> 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
>
> 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst !
>
> 5: I've never seen a better spread!
>
> 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
>
> 7: Are you ready for seconds yet ?
>
> 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
>
> 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some !
>
> 10: Don't play with your meat !
>
> 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will
> go.
>
> 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
> people at once ?
>
> 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same
> time !
>
> 14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
>
> 15: How long will it take after you put it in ?
>
> 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
>
> 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
>
> 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had !
>
> 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all
> morning.
>
> 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and
> still want more.

tezzer

dinky · 26-12-2008, 12:32

Shakespeare walks into a tavern

Innkeeper Says your bard

tezzer · 30-12-2008, 10:12

Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night
>
> Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
> increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after
> the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to
> their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said
>
> 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.'
>
> Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor
> .. . .
> But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder'
> Charles yelled
> back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
>
> 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released,
> Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God,
> that feels so good.'
>
> In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
> 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'
>
> Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove
> the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even
> tighter' At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen
> 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!

tezzer

23-12-2008, 17:58	#1
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,137	cant find my joke thread, so a new one IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in an 8’X10’ cell. AT WORK: You spend most of your day in a 6’X8’ office. IN PRISON: You get three meals a day. AT WORK: You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON: You get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK: You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. IN PRISON: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK: You must carry around a security card and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON: You can watch tv and play games. AT WORK: You get fired for watching tv and playing games. IN PRISON: They allow your friends and family to visit you. AT WORK: You cannot even speak to your family or friends. IN PRISON: You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. IN WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON: There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK: They are called Managers

23-12-2008, 17:59	#2
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,137	i dont like blonde girl jokes so... A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten son of a bitch," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!”

23-12-2008, 18:04	#3
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,137	A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a 20p piece. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 20p piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. "I work for the Inland Revenue Service."

23-12-2008, 18:05	#5
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,137	One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from........ .................... .................................................. that's where jewelery comes from."

23-12-2008, 19:08	#6
tezzer Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: basildon essex Vehicle: transit camper van 1987 Posts: 2,829	i like it mate tezzer

23-12-2008, 19:14	#7
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,137	id do more, but i dont want people to think im just posting jokes to get my 1000.. im sure i could find a few 1000... if i looked. so unfair!

23-12-2008, 19:28	#8
tezzer Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: basildon essex Vehicle: transit camper van 1987 Posts: 2,829	> > > EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED, TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE > > TV > > AND > > > > THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED. > > > > GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER > > > > ARTHRITIC HIP. > > > > GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER > > ON > > HIS > > > > CROTCH. > > > > GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID: 'YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD > > COOT... > > THE > > > > PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD tezzer

24-12-2008, 10:38	#11
zippy656 Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Devizes Wiltshire Vehicle: Nissan Note Ntec 1.5 Posts: 14,137	Questions: 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I? 5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? Scroll down for answers Answers: 1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course! Now Really! Just what were you thinking

24-12-2008, 12:15	#12
tezzer Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: basildon essex Vehicle: transit camper van 1987 Posts: 2,829	THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS > > 1: I prefer breasts to legs. > > 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. > > 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. > > 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst ! > > 5: I've never seen a better spread! > > 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. > > 7: Are you ready for seconds yet ? > > 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ? > > 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some ! > > 10: Don't play with your meat ! > > 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will > go. > > 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these > people at once ? > > 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same > time ! > > 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. > > 15: How long will it take after you put it in ? > > 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. > > 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. > > 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had ! > > 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all > morning. > > 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and > still want more. tezzer

26-12-2008, 12:32	#14
dinky Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: SOCIALIST REPUBLIC OF SOUTH YORKSHIRE Vehicle: t20 lwb Posts: 1,238	Shakespeare walks into a tavern Innkeeper Says your bard

30-12-2008, 10:12	#15
tezzer Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: basildon essex Vehicle: transit camper van 1987 Posts: 2,829	Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night > > Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got > increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after > the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to > their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said > > 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.' > > Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor > .. . . > But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder' > Charles yelled > back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' > > 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, > Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, > that feels so good.' > > In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said > 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!' > > Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove > the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even > tighter' At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen > 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man! tezzer