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- Dec 20, 2012
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A quick guide for all you non technical people out there to explain what the mechanic has just told you he has done to your car 
Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the workshop wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the workshop whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable items. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a component you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older machinery, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the workshop, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The engineers own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in engine rooms. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the workshop wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the workshop whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable items. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a component you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older machinery, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the workshop, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The engineers own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in engine rooms. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
