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A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. 🐴 "I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare. "Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes. 👀 "Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth. 😬 "Nithe...

A police man pulls over a priest for swerving..As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "father, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?" "No my son. Why would you ask that?" "Well I noticed the...

I said to my Doctor “I’ve badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident”. He said “Did you fall off your board?” I said “No, I had to slam my laptop shut because the wife walked in!!"..

Unopened pack of Polo's for sale. Mint condition...

I got rid of my old electric wheelchair rustic , or you could have had it :thumb2

i get all the news / gossip from our lass , she knows everything :augie:lol

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" ? The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing... They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!" The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for...

Surprise your girlfriend this valentines day.......introduce her to your wife..

that's all you can do grasshopper , humour takes many forms

Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants: 1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow. 2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when...

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off. "You're self-employed you stupid idiot," I said..

“The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday." This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how...

thats very good uncle rustic , you are learning well grasshopper :thumb2

you called ? A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's tes-ticles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins...

On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of your wife. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point...

A woman was in labour. Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife " Are you my daddy?" The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say "No I'm not" At this, the baby disappeared back inside The midwife called the nurse The...

man received the following text from his neighbor: “I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with...

I went on "Dragons Den" the other night and showed them my Dad's Old Shotgun. Peter Jones said "Great. And what's your idea "..?? I replied "It's quite a simple concept Peter". "Just shut the f**k up, and put your Money in the Bag..!!..

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer...