dear asda

briggie · 10-09-2017, 07:13

Dear Asda,
Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in brighouse.
So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam.
The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!
Yours truly,
A very unhappy customer

panelbeater · 10-09-2017, 08:45

i have herd of figerroll but fingerroll

Lazy-Ferret · 10-09-2017, 14:13

macabethiel · 11-09-2017, 01:08

Sad but we have similar issues with not only cheap stuff but some of the better brands.
We currently buy this brand from B&M stores.

Two sheets passes the finger test easily we have found it to be the best value we have tried. Andrex etc might be long but you need more folds!

solarman216 · 11-09-2017, 01:53

One of my rules are when I cannot wipe my own arse, then that is time for me to pass on, Rick

macabethiel · 11-09-2017, 11:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by solarman216

One of my rules are when I cannot wipe my own arse, then that is time for me to pass on, Rick

I rather like the sound of the Japanese Toilets where they have water jets and a drier built into the seat. Never tried one but I bet someone on our site has been to Japan and lived to tell the tale!

10-09-2017, 07:13	#1
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	dear asda Dear Asda, Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you. For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in brighouse. So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store. A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam. The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply. I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out! Yours truly, A very unhappy customer

11-09-2017, 01:08	#4
macabethiel Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Derby Vehicle: Freelander & Jeep GC 3.0 Posts: 4,416	B&M Deluxe Softy Quilted 4 ply- 6 rolls for £1.49 -14.9 m per roll Sad but we have similar issues with not only cheap stuff but some of the better brands. We currently buy this brand from B&M stores. Two sheets passes the finger test easily we have found it to be the best value we have tried. Andrex etc might be long but you need more folds!

11-09-2017, 01:53	#5
solarman216 Off road maniac Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Bexhill on Sea Vehicle: Y60 Patrol Me, 3 ltr Mrs Posts: 17,430	One of my rules are when I cannot wipe my own arse, then that is time for me to pass on, Rick __________________ Ex banger racer now off road maniac Lokka on the front with manual hubs Diff lock on rear 3 inch SS straight through exhaust Manly winch bumper with 13000 lb winch 10 spike ground anchor, with multiple straps and blocks Super strong body cills capped with scaffold pole 20% stronger springs all round aggressive off road tyres on wheels so just swap. Aim to get stuck and be completely self sufficient in extraction, love getting muddy, 2ft deep is good but rare.

10-09-2017, 08:45	#2
panelbeater Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: clacton on sea essex Vehicle: nissan terrano 2 2.7 tdi Posts: 1,638	i have herd of figerroll but fingerroll

10-09-2017, 14:13	#3
Lazy-Ferret Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Sevenoaks, Kent Vehicle: Terrano 2.7TDi SE Touring Posts: 5,221