worst ever joke competition

[patbhoy]

Pat and Mick are up in a helicopter, Pat says to Mick.
"Mick, If this helicopter turns upside down, will we fall out",
Mick says "Dont be stupid Pat, we'd still be mates".

[briggie]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[The Patrolman]

What's brown and sticky?



A 'Stick' .........

[R1cho]

A man in a curry house noticed something on the menu that he hadn't tried before. He called the waiter over and said:
"This chicken tarka, what's it like?"
The waiter paused to think for a moment:
"It's very similar to chicken tikka, it's just a little 'otter."

[R1cho]

Why do elephants paint their bollocks red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

A monkey eating cherries.

[R1cho]

What goes oooooo?

A cow with no lips

[briggie]

Originally Posted by R1cho

What goes oooooo?

A cow with no lips

[R1cho]

A girl is playing in her garden when she sees a gnome crouched in the corner with its head between its knees.

"Excuse me", says the girl, "Are you a Goblin?".

"No", says the gnome, "I've just got a headache".

[briggie]

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head, were all astrophysicists.

The brunette said, 'I'm going to build a rocket and fly to the moon!'

'Well,' said the red head, 'I'M going to build a rocket and fly to Mars!'

Then the blonde said, 'I'm going to build a rocket and fly to the SUN!'

The others asked, 'But won't it be very hot there?'

'Don't worry,' the blonde replied, 'I'll go at night time!'

[elty001]

a man goes to the doctors with jelly in one ear and custard in the other.
the doctor asks what the problem is and the man replies you will have to speak up i'm a trifle deaf.

two parrots sitting on a perch.
one says to the other can you smell fish?


i was sat at home last night when there was a knock at the door.
i opened it and a six foot beetle punched me in the face...i'd heard there was a nasty bug going round...


two blokes dressed as nuns walking down the street,one turns to the other and says we have got to get out of this habbit.


an egg is natures chav.
it thinks its hard in its shell suit but underneath its just an immature chicken.

[elty001]

i was in my local shop this morning and i fancied a pack of biscuits.i asked the shop assistant how much they where and she said they are £1 a pack.
have you got anything a bit cheaper i asked and she replied you can have a pack of broken ones for 50p,so i replied can you break me a good pack then.

[clivvy]

Two women at a bus stop, minding their own business.....

[R1cho]

Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Cheryl Cole are walking along the street when Cheryl Cole trips and gets her head stuck between two bars, as quickly as possible Simon Cowell runs over whips off her knickers off and starts givin her one, once he's finished he turns around to Louis and says "alright your turn", Louis starts crying. Simon confused, asks Louis what's wrong, "my head won't fit between the bars".

[R1cho]

just had me water bill £180 the robbin twats....friggin oxfam can supply a whole village for just £2 a month

[R1cho]

Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release:Miner: 'Can we switch the lights off?' . . . Wife: 'Of course honey' . . . ...Miner: 'Can I have you from behind?' . . . Wife: 'Anything you want my brave boy' . . . Miner: 'Can I call you Pedro?