worst ever joke competition - Page 5

The Patrolman · 29-09-2010, 23:36

Why, Why, Why...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
Statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

briggie · 29-09-2010, 23:37

none bad enough to win yet

patbhoy · 30-09-2010, 08:35

Did you hear the one about a Yorkshire man who bought a Mistral on ebay

stevecrm · 30-09-2010, 20:33

ooh, thats bad

paulp · 30-09-2010, 21:04

what do you call a dog with no tongue?

scruffy bollox

paul

extreme-4x4 · 30-09-2010, 21:34

Quote:

Originally Posted by rustic

What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?

A frog in a liquidiser...

this is my favorite so far

briggie · 30-09-2010, 21:39

Quote:

Originally Posted by extreme-4x4

this is my favorite so far

yeah must admit its pretty bad , but im sure we can do a lot worse

briggie · 30-09-2010, 21:41

2 oranges rolling down a hill , one stopped because it had run out of juice

The Patrolman · 30-09-2010, 21:50

How do you sell a deaf man a Pig!!

Say
"Do you want to buy a pig!"

briggie · 30-09-2010, 21:53

ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

briggie · 10-10-2010, 21:17

Nurses do not laugh.....
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bob declared.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professionalnurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure ..

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

R1cho · 10-10-2010, 21:26

my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

clivvy · 10-10-2010, 21:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by briggie

Nurses do not laugh.....
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bob declared.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professionalnurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure ..

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

lol

R1cho · 10-10-2010, 21:33

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?”

The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.”

“I just can’t take that chance.”

The Patrolman · 10-10-2010, 21:43

That's got to be up there in the running!!!

30-09-2010, 21:04	#65
paulp Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: essex Vehicle: nissan mistral 27td Posts: 1,043	joke what do you call a dog with no tongue? scruffy bollox paul

29-09-2010, 23:36	#61
The Patrolman Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Redcar, Teesside Vehicle: Y60 Patrol 4.2 PeTroll Posts: 2,122	Why, Why, Why... Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?' Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? And my FAVORITE...... Statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

29-09-2010, 23:37	#62
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	none bad enough to win yet

30-09-2010, 08:35	#63
patbhoy Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Bridge of Weir, Scotland Vehicle: Nissan Patrol GR SE 2.8TD Posts: 526	Did you hear the one about a Yorkshire man who bought a Mistral on ebay

30-09-2010, 20:33	#64
stevecrm Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: south yorkshire Vehicle: Nissan Terrano Posts: 310	ooh, thats bad

30-09-2010, 21:41	#68
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	2 oranges rolling down a hill , one stopped because it had run out of juice

30-09-2010, 21:50	#69
The Patrolman Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Redcar, Teesside Vehicle: Y60 Patrol 4.2 PeTroll Posts: 2,122	How do you sell a deaf man a Pig!! Say "Do you want to buy a pig!"

30-09-2010, 21:53	#70
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

10-10-2010, 21:17	#71
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	Nurses do not laugh..... "Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bob declared. "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professionalnurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure .. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied.

10-10-2010, 21:26	#72
R1cho Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Wales Vehicle: 1997 LandCruiser Colorado Posts: 4,201	my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

10-10-2010, 21:33	#74
R1cho Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Wales Vehicle: 1997 LandCruiser Colorado Posts: 4,201	A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00. The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?” The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.” “I just can’t take that chance.”

10-10-2010, 21:43	#75
The Patrolman Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Redcar, Teesside Vehicle: Y60 Patrol 4.2 PeTroll Posts: 2,122	That's got to be up there in the running!!!