tommy cooper comic genius

briggie · 19-04-2010, 18:36

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..

8. I went to a seafood disco last week
...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common? '
'It's not unusual'.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?' the doctor asks.
'Don't you start' says the guy.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...
boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub,
one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says
'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

paulp · 19-04-2010, 18:59

paulp

clivvy · 19-04-2010, 19:27

brilliant, Pete, i love Cooper!!

jims-terrano · 19-04-2010, 19:47

I like the old comedians too, spot on Briggie.

Anyone remember the "Forkandles" sketch, OK not the same bloke but same erra.

Jim

briggie · 19-04-2010, 20:17

clivvy · 19-04-2010, 22:12

oh yes, even i know the fork handles sketch lol!

jims-terrano · 19-04-2010, 23:54

OK a bit more difficult.....

"I know my place, I'm............"

Jim

PS I bet Pete get's this one too

Freebird · 20-04-2010, 06:39

fork handles sketch, pure brilliance,never fails to make me laugh. Another is monty python's parrot sketch.........

briggie · 20-04-2010, 07:08

jims-terrano · 20-04-2010, 17:07

Pete, you watch too much telly......

briggie · 20-04-2010, 17:08

Quote:

Originally Posted by jims-terrano

Pete, you watch too much telly......

fuff all else to do these last few weeks jim

briggie · 20-04-2010, 18:44

jims-terrano · 20-04-2010, 21:05

This country has produced some really funny people and best of all they didn't have to swear all the time to get the laughs. Sadly I doubt we will see such talent again. I can sit and watch these comedians for hours, even the old comedy films from the 60's and 70's. Don't get me wrong I can laugh at blokes like Billy and not be offended by the language.

Les Dawson was a real laugh too

Jim

19-04-2010, 18:36	#1
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	tommy cooper comic genius TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS 1. Two blondes walked into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..' 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.. 8. I went to a seafood disco last week ...and pulled a muscle. 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself. 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'. 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy' 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy. 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!' 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.' 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

19-04-2010, 18:59	#2
paulp Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: essex Vehicle: nissan mistral 27td Posts: 1,043	very funny paulp

19-04-2010, 19:27	#3
clivvy Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Huddersfield Vehicle: Terrano 03 LWB Posts: 6,947	brilliant, Pete, i love Cooper!!

19-04-2010, 19:47	#4
jims-terrano Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: UK Posts: 12,965	I like the old comedians too, spot on Briggie. Anyone remember the "Forkandles" sketch, OK not the same bloke but same erra. Jim

19-04-2010, 20:17	#5
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473

19-04-2010, 22:12	#6
clivvy Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Huddersfield Vehicle: Terrano 03 LWB Posts: 6,947	oh yes, even i know the fork handles sketch lol!

19-04-2010, 23:54	#7
jims-terrano Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: UK Posts: 12,965	OK a bit more difficult..... "I know my place, I'm............" Jim PS I bet Pete get's this one too

20-04-2010, 06:39	#8
Freebird Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: West Cumbria. Vehicle: 1996 Terrano 2 Posts: 161	fork handles sketch, pure brilliance,never fails to make me laugh. Another is monty python's parrot sketch.........

20-04-2010, 07:08	#9
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473

20-04-2010, 17:07	#10
jims-terrano Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: UK Posts: 12,965	Pete, you watch too much telly......

20-04-2010, 18:44	#12
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473

20-04-2010, 21:05	#13
jims-terrano Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: UK Posts: 12,965	This country has produced some really funny people and best of all they didn't have to swear all the time to get the laughs. Sadly I doubt we will see such talent again. I can sit and watch these comedians for hours, even the old comedy films from the 60's and 70's. Don't get me wrong I can laugh at blokes like Billy and not be offended by the language. Les Dawson was a real laugh too Jim