Another blonde joke

rustic · 05-06-2015, 20:34

A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground.

Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?".

The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me.
First make sure that she really is dead."

There is a silence.

Then a loud gunshot.

The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"

rustic · 06-06-2015, 12:08

Another joke...

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills!!!

.

johnb5177 · 06-06-2015, 17:51

rustic · 12-06-2015, 09:48

In America, a guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles and everything, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents,"

Dumbfounded her date asked

"What do you mean?"

"Well," she answered "They flipped a coin,one team got it, and then the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, "get the quarterback! get the quarterback! I'm like, hello, it's only 25 cents!"

rustic · 12-06-2015, 18:37

A ventriloquist was touring Sweden and one night he was performing in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor!"

The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed:

"You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!" :huh:

Terranical · 12-06-2015, 19:50

Excellent!

johnb5177 · 12-06-2015, 21:06

+1.

rustic · 15-06-2015, 21:09

You are encouraging me too much... here is another one...

A Brunette phones her Blonde friend and asks her to pick up some groceries on her way home from work

"What would you like?" asks the blonde

"I would like one carton of milk and if they have eggs get six"

A short time later the blonde comes home with six cartons of milk. The Brunette asks

"Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

The Blonde replied "They had eggs"
A Brunette phones her Blonde friend and asks her to pick up some groceries on her way home from work

"What would you like?" asks the blonde

"I would like one carton of milk and if they have eggs get six"

A short time later the blonde comes home with six cartons of milk. The Brunette asks

"Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

The Blonde replied "They had eggs"

Fair enough.. but to be fair, I would probably do the same, if my wife asked me...
Won't ask me to shop again lol...

rustic · 15-06-2015, 21:24

A blonde lady walks in to the hair salon, with her I-pod earphones in. The stylist says to her "I'm sorry you will have to take your headphones off". The blonde replied "but I can't, I'll die." The stylist repeated, "I'm sorry you'll have to take the out, I can't cut your hair whilst you are wearing them". "I can't take them off, I'll die" the blonde protested. The stylist grabbed the wires and pulled the 'phones from her ears.

A minute or two later the blonde died.

The coroner arrived as did the police, and when the detective inspector picked up the ear phones and listened to what was playing he heard ....

breath in ..... breath out ..... breath in ...... breath out ..... breath in ...............

rustic · 15-06-2015, 21:28

Okay so there was these three men that worked at a construction site.
Well, one day they sat down and opened their lunch.
The red haired guy opened up his lunch "oh no, tuna again".
He said that if he got tuna again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building.
The dark haired guy opened up his lunch "oh no, cheese again".
He said that if he gets cheese again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building also.
The blonde opened up his lunch "oh no, chicken again".
He said that if he got chicken tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building too.
Well, the next day the red haired guy opened up his lunch and he got tuna again so he jumped.
The dark haired guy opened up his and he got cheese again so he jumped.
The Blonde opened up his and he got chicken again so he jumped.
At their funeral the red headed guy's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want tuna I would have packed something different".
The dark haired guy's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want cheese I would have packed him something different".
The Blonde's wife looked up and said "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

briggie · 15-06-2015, 22:13

2 blondes at a airport ..... " wow look at those huge planes , how do they fly when they are so big and heavy ? "

the other blonde points to the sky and says " oh that's easy , look how small they are when they are flying "

05-06-2015, 20:34	#1
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	Another blonde joke A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that she really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?" __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

06-06-2015, 12:08	#2
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	Another joke with a moral at the end Another joke... The Itch Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick. The moral of the story............ Pay your bills!!! . __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

12-06-2015, 09:48	#4
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	A Blonde sums up American Football. In America, a guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles and everything, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents," Dumbfounded her date asked "What do you mean?" "Well," she answered "They flipped a coin,one team got it, and then the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, "get the quarterback! get the quarterback! I'm like, hello, it's only 25 cents!" __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

12-06-2015, 18:37	#5
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	A Swedish blonde stands up for herself. A ventriloquist was touring Sweden and one night he was performing in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some of his standard dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you who make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor!" The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted and screamed: "You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!" :huh: __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

15-06-2015, 21:09	#8
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	You are encouraging me too much... here is another one... A Brunette phones her Blonde friend and asks her to pick up some groceries on her way home from work "What would you like?" asks the blonde "I would like one carton of milk and if they have eggs get six" A short time later the blonde comes home with six cartons of milk. The Brunette asks "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?" The Blonde replied "They had eggs" A Brunette phones her Blonde friend and asks her to pick up some groceries on her way home from work "What would you like?" asks the blonde "I would like one carton of milk and if they have eggs get six" A short time later the blonde comes home with six cartons of milk. The Brunette asks "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?" The Blonde replied "They had eggs" Fair enough.. but to be fair, I would probably do the same, if my wife asked me... Won't ask me to shop again lol... __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

06-06-2015, 17:51	#3
johnb5177 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Swansea, S.Wales Vehicle: 02Terrano II 3.0 SVE Auto Posts: 1,586

12-06-2015, 19:50	#6
Terranical Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Resident in Bristol, Terrano in Spain Vehicle: 1994 Terrano 2.7TD SWB Posts: 1,398	Excellent!

12-06-2015, 21:06	#7
johnb5177 Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: Swansea, S.Wales Vehicle: 02Terrano II 3.0 SVE Auto Posts: 1,586	+1.

15-06-2015, 21:24	#9
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	A blonde lady walks in to the hair salon, with her I-pod earphones in. The stylist says to her "I'm sorry you will have to take your headphones off". The blonde replied "but I can't, I'll die." The stylist repeated, "I'm sorry you'll have to take the out, I can't cut your hair whilst you are wearing them". "I can't take them off, I'll die" the blonde protested. The stylist grabbed the wires and pulled the 'phones from her ears. A minute or two later the blonde died. The coroner arrived as did the police, and when the detective inspector picked up the ear phones and listened to what was playing he heard .... breath in ..... breath out ..... breath in ...... breath out ..... breath in ............... __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

15-06-2015, 21:28	#10
rustic Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Staffordshire Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB Posts: 7,825	An old favourite lol...Blondes don't have to be just female... Okay so there was these three men that worked at a construction site. Well, one day they sat down and opened their lunch. The red haired guy opened up his lunch "oh no, tuna again". He said that if he got tuna again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building. The dark haired guy opened up his lunch "oh no, cheese again". He said that if he gets cheese again tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building also. The blonde opened up his lunch "oh no, chicken again". He said that if he got chicken tomorrow that he was going to jump off the building too. Well, the next day the red haired guy opened up his lunch and he got tuna again so he jumped. The dark haired guy opened up his and he got cheese again so he jumped. The Blonde opened up his and he got chicken again so he jumped. At their funeral the red headed guy's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want tuna I would have packed something different". The dark haired guy's wife said "If I would have known he didn't want cheese I would have packed him something different". The Blonde's wife looked up and said "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch." __________________ Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more.

15-06-2015, 22:13	#11
briggie Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: peoples democratic republic of west yorkshire Vehicle: " alice " Posts: 10,473	2 blondes at a airport ..... " wow look at those huge planes , how do they fly when they are so big and heavy ? " the other blonde points to the sky and says " oh that's easy , look how small they are when they are flying "