Some good ones

[Liam]

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.



Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.



I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.



Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.



My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.



I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.'



Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.



At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'



After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'



A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.


A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'



A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, 'OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'



How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.