The English aproach to snow.

[Paul]

DEC 20th
It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
seen for years. I took a hot toddy out into the garden and watched
the snow falling all those fluffy soft flakes drifting gently down clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.
DEC 24th
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow covering
as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush
covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time
ever an loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement.
Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and
waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again.
The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes
and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just
missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.
DEC 26th
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
dropped around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and
bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much
of snow is now a brownish-grey.
JAN 1st
Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became
ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars.
Fell on me arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.
JAN 5th
Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to
work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing.
Had another 3 inches of white sh*** last night. Both vehicles are covered
in salt and iced up slush That b ****** snowplough came by twice today.
Where's that bloody shovel?!
JAN 9th
More f***king snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over
and nearly torched the f ***ing house. I managed to put the flames out
but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and
eyelashes. Car slid into a tree on the way to casualty and was written off.
JAN 13th
F ****ing b ****** white s ***e just keeps on coming down.
Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box.
The little ***** next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back
- I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a
good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the a**hole that drives the
snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth.
I think the b ****** hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f***ing"
Schumacher and buries the f***ing driveway again.
JAN 17th
6 more sodding inches of f***ing snow and f ***ing ice and f***ing sleet and
god knows what other white s**** fell last night.
I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an
ice-pick. Can' t move my f ****ing toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks.
Minus 8 degrees and more f ***ing snow forecast.
F*** THIS, I'M MOVING