Jimmy Carr One-Liners...

[lacroupade]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and s*xy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!



I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w@nking. When I asked why she said, "Because it makes it difficult when I'm trying to examine you!"



I just saw one of those Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me: I mean, whoever heard of a ginger kid with two friends?



A family is driving behind a council rubbish truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c%ck like that."



I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.




When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids: so I took her out with one punch…




My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me…




A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about s*x at that age." "Curious about s*x?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"




I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh*t actually…"




Disabled toilets: ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in….




I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. Really: how could anyone stoop so low?