diary of a snow shoveller

[briggie]

Diary of a Snow Shoveller
Author unknown

December 8: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft
flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My
neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14:

Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The
cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I
think was very cruel.

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living
room.

December 20:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.
More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to
find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to
see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another
shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or
the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white @%%$ fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to #%*$. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think
the $%@%@+% is lying.

December 23:

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.

December 24:

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was
having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a $++%$ who drives
that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over
where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the
goddamn snowplow.

December 25:

Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the f*cking slop tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then
the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to kill her.

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze.

December 28:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE $++%$ is driving me
crazy!!!!!

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars.
The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31:

Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?