Jimmy Carr One-Liners...

lacroupade · 25-08-2009, 17:14

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and s*xy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w@nking. When I asked why she said, "Because it makes it difficult when I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw one of those Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me: I mean, whoever heard of a ginger kid with two friends?

A family is driving behind a council rubbish truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c%ck like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids: so I took her out with one punch…

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me…

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about s*x at that age." "Curious about s*x?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sh*t actually…"

Disabled toilets: ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in….

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. Really: how could anyone stoop so low?

Deleted account DD · 25-08-2009, 18:21

Research shows that 97% of road incidents are caused by men. That means 3% are caused by women........................bloody women drivers

25-08-2009, 17:14	#1
lacroupade Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: All hail to the Glove of Love... Posts: 9,212	Jimmy Carr One-Liners... I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sxy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop w@nking. When I asked why she said, "Because it makes it difficult when I'm trying to examine you!" I just saw one of those Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me: I mean, whoever heard of a ginger kid with two friends? A family is driving behind a council rubbish truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a c%ck like that." I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids: so I took her out with one punch… My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me… A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sx at that age." "Curious about sx?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a sht actually…" Disabled toilets: ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in…. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. Really: how could anyone stoop so low?

25-08-2009, 18:21	#2
Deleted account DD Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Posts: 4,705	Research shows that 97% of road incidents are caused by men. That means 3% are caused by women........................bloody women drivers