oh well, joke time, good OR bad

[Paul]

The other day i bought myself some sensible walking boots

and a little rucksack


and i went up to the lake district,



i walked for about five miles



then i stopped


and sat on a stone wall



and had a flask of coffee,





then i walked another five miles









and stopped











and had another flask........







bloody hell i'm rambling : :

[tezzer]

police in alabama have found a terrorists body, who'd been whipped, hung from a tree, shot 6 times & set on fire, sheriff said it's the worst suicide he'd ever seen.

paddy's wife is ready to give birth, he rushes her to hospital, on arrival midwife say's is she dilated?, paddy replies "jaysus she's over the blinking moon. (i have edited these, so i'll let you workout how)


tezzer

[zippy656]

all very good....

[Paul]

The Biggest Lies

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come
up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after
"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help you."

Here is a sampling from the thousands she
received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only
have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your
height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have
guessed."

- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an
apartment of my own so I can have some
peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The
company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I
promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to
get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my
personal guarantee."

[dinky]

THE BOUNCING CHEQUE







Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

[Paul]

Like it.. : :

[supertaff]

A young couple are driving down the road, when the young wife sees an injured skunk lying alongside the road. "Pity, let's stop and see if we can help it" she says.
Her husband stops the car and she runs back and picks the skunk up and walks back to the car with it.
"Oh , it's all cold and limp" she says to her husband ..... "How can I warm it up" ? she asks.
Her husband says "Get back in the car , and put it between your legs" , and she says "What about the smell"?
"Hold its bloody nose" says the husband !!!!

[Paul]

8O 8O -rotfl- What was her reply? :wink:

[zippy656]

Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with then

[willow]

Originally Posted by Bibio

Just bought a Glasgow advent calender ! typical! ALL THE WINDOWS ARE BOARDED UP AND SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE CHOCOLATES !.

JOHN

I like that one : : :

[Paul]

: : :

[Deleted Member D]

I uploaded the grenade pic onto the site gallery. :
Good intit. :mrgreen:

[tezzer]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into
his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.

[Deleted Member D]

Oh no its disappeared from your post look. :roll:
Dont worry tho Ive brought it back for you look. :wink: :

No probs anytime. -moonie- -rotfl-

[Deleted Member D]

Originally Posted by Paul332

The other day i bought myself some sensible walking boots

and a little rucksack


and i went up to the lake district,



i walked for about five miles



then i stopped


and sat on a stone wall



and had a flask of coffee,





then i walked another five miles









and stopped











and had another flask........







bloody hell i'm rambling : :

:|good one. -killingme-