a guide to proper etiquette in the mens public loo

[briggie]

A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's loo

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human
race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated
customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.

Grafitti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your
graffiti back to you, don't do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if
nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few,
restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If
visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use
the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.
Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management
of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X <-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX <-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX <-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.

13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.

14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules:

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.

16. Always flush.

17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases:

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are
around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
presence until you're dressed again.

19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.

20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available.
Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the
remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't
near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you
forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a
poor substitute.

Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a ****.

c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"

d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.

Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom

Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirt tail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.