oh well, joke time, good OR bad

[willow]

Originally Posted by tezzer

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into
his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.

-rotfl-

[willow]

Originally Posted by zippy656

Perks of being over 50
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without censored but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .



And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Send a copy of this to everyone you can remember.

All so true -rotfl-

[CaptLimey]

Hey guys - fantastic posts - just lightened my day no end!!

[zippy656]

im here to serve... will find more forr you all soon, unless told not to

[CaptLimey]

During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced, by the revolutionaries, to death by the guillotine.
The Englishman is offered a blindfold and the opportunity to lay face down or face up. He boldly rejects the blindfold and says “I’ll meet my maker like a true Brit you Froggy…… (expletive deleted!!)”. He lays face up on the bench and sneers at the crowd. The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade descends at an alarming rate only to stop abruptly within millimetres of his neck! The crowd roars with disappointment and, as tradition states, if the condemned is not executed on the first fall of the blade, he must be freed. The prisoner is released to boos and shouts from the disappointed ghouls.
The Scotsman is next, like his predecessor he declines the blindfold, cursing his captors, he lays face up to watch the damnable machine send him to his death. Again the executioner yanks on the cord, the blade comes rushing down to sever his head, only to cease its deadly decent just a fraction from his neck! Again the crowd scream with renewed intensity having been, yet again, deprived of the blood and gore spectacle.
Finally the Irishman is led to the execution scaffold. Like his fellow condemned he declines the blindfold and takes his place facing the suspended blade.
The executioner seizes the release cord……he lifts it high and is about to give it a hefty tug…….. when the Irishman raises his hand…….. pointing to the top of the guillotine and says “Joost a minnit.... oi can see de trouble!”

My sincere apologies to our English, Scottish and Irish members, no offence meant, honest! CL

[Paul]

Originally Posted by CaptLimey

During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced, by the revolutionaries, to death by the guillotine.
The Englishman is offered a blindfold and the opportunity to lay face down or face up. He boldly rejects the blindfold and says “I’ll meet my maker like a true Brit you Froggy…… (expletive deleted!!)”. He lays face up on the bench and sneers at the crowd. The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade descends at an alarming rate only to stop abruptly within millimetres of his neck! The crowd roars with disappointment and, as tradition states, if the condemned is not executed on the first fall of the blade, he must be freed. The prisoner is released to boos and shouts from the disappointed ghouls.
The Scotsman is next, like his predecessor he declines the blindfold, cursing his captors, he lays face up to watch the damnable machine send him to his death. Again the executioner yanks on the cord, the blade comes rushing down to sever his head, only to cease its deadly decent just a fraction from his neck! Again the crowd scream with renewed intensity having been, yet again, deprived of the blood and gore spectacle.
Finally the Irishman is led to the execution scaffold. Like his fellow condemned he declines the blindfold and takes his place facing the suspended blade.
The executioner seizes the release cord……he lifts it high and is about to give it a hefty tug…….. when the Irishman raises his hand…….. pointing to the top of the guillotine and says “Joost a minnit.... oi can see de trouble!”

My sincere apologies to our English, Scottish and Irish members, no offence meant, honest! CL

8O 8O


-rotfl- -rotfl- -rotfl-

[willow]

Originally Posted by CaptLimey

Hey guys - fantastic posts - just lightened my day no end!!

Hello from me all good fun here Zippy is the main man in good clean jokes :wink:

[Paul]

Talking of jokes..

An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.

"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."

"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."

"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"

[Paul]

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... :roll:

[elty001]

2 blokes are on a night out when they decide they want to go to a nightclub.they wait in line to get in the club and finally its there turn to pay when the bouncer says to one of the blokes i'm sorry but you can't come in unless you are wearing a tie.the bloke says to his mate you go in and i will meet you inside as i'm sure iv'e got a spare tie in the car.the bloke nips back to his car franticly searching for a tie but all he can find are some jump leads.he put them on and tries his hardest to make them look like a tie.he waits in line again and he finally reaches the door wwhen yet again the bouncer stops him and explains about the tie rule.the bloke begs the bouncer to let him in as he has done his best with the jump leads.after some begging the bouncer finally says o.k i will let you in but you better not start anything :smile:

[zippy656]

this post is nearly as long as Willow hello one!!!

[Deleted Member D]

Originally Posted by zippy656

this post is nearly as long as Willow hello one!!!

Youve no chance mate :
That will go on for ever I reckon :
Go on willow go for it gal -rotfl- -boxing2-

[zippy656]

i think Willow's post reallly show up what our club is all about


BEEING FRIENDLY AND HELPPFULL




oh and no knowing how to spell"!!!!!!!!

: :

[Deleted Member D]

Nice one Chris

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present

for his new girlfriend.



They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in

Scotland .



Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful

consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the

right note... not too romantic and not too personal.



Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair

of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a £20 pair of

sexy knickers for herself at the same time.



Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two

items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the

knickers.



Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the

following letter



Dear Maggie,



I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when

we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would

have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones

(which are easier to remove).



These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from

showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I

hardly noticed any marks.



I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even

though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub

against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed

to wash it since she began wearing them.



I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt

many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

again.



When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because

they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.



Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

year.



I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.



All my Love, Chris



P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down

with a little bit of fur showing.

[elty001]

Nice one Chris

: : : : : : : :
must have been an expensive christmas cracker : : :