Another joke to brighten a miserable day.

[rustic]

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I
Wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that...?



I think most of us would like to know too...

[spinna]

That's brilliant

[rustic]

The Priest and the Rabbi

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9:00 PM in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2:00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left...' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."


The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2:00 AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And then the rabbi adds: "And we’re still waiting for our change!"



Clearly this doesn't work in the UK...
You can't smoke a cigar in a restaurant...

[rustic]

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car at high speed?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommy cricket team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommy cricket team and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.

[rustic]

This is my 'be nice to a blonde day'.........

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

[spinna]

Originally Posted by rustic

This is my 'be nice to a blonde day'.........

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'

Haha, I like it

[BIGSEAN]

like it

[rustic]

Condom factory

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"


Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested..

All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:



MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL




.

[Andy L]

"have you seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" A woman asked her husband.

"No he replied.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft silky push up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty from her and smiled approvingly.

" have you seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband.

" No, no I haven't" he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively reached into her tight sheer knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the fifty note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said," have you ever seen £20 000 crumpled up?"

"No no never" he replied, licking his eyebrows like a hungry slobbering wolf.


"Well go and look in the garage!!".

[rustic]

Like it..

[rustic]

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot & killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."

[rustic]

PADDY IS GOING REALLY WELL ON WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. HE'S GOT TO £125,000 WITH ALL HIS LIFELINES.

CHRIS: OK PADDY, FOR £250,000 WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS ONE OF THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERS WAS IT:

RONNIE BIGGS
RONNIE O'SULLIVAN
RONNIE CORBETT
RONNIE WOOD

TAKE YOUR TIME
...
PADDY: I'LL TAKE THE MONEY CHRIS

CHRIS: ARE YOU SURE, YOU'VE STILL GOT 3 LIFELINES

PADDY: I'M SURE CHRIS,I'LL TAKE THE MONEY

CHRIS: OK AUDIENCE GIVE HIM A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, BUT BEFORE YOU GO PADDY I'M SURE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW THE ANSWER.

PADDY: I KNOW THE ANSWER CHRIS.

CHRIS: YOU KNOW THE ANSWER? YOU'VE JUST TURNED DOWN A QUARTER OF A MILLION QUID, ARE YOU MAD? ARE YOU MENTAL?

PADDY: I MAY BE MENTAL CHRIS BUT I'M NO F******* GRASS.