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31-05-2016, 10:49
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#1 |
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Senior Member
 Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Chateaunef du Faou, France
Vehicle: 2000 LWB SE+
Posts: 906
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Haynes wokrshop manual
I came across this useful bit of technical jargon translation on my other forum and thought it may come in handy!
 Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Ping... what the hell was that? Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly". Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to bugger it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teeny,weeny number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you? Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - But don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Draw pivot out Translation: Soak all bits where pivot passes through frame with penetrating fluid and repeatedly smack pivot with rubber mallet until tired of feeling utterly hopeless, repeat process tomorrow. Hope this Helps: 
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31-05-2016, 11:58
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#2 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Hampshire
Vehicle: Terrano but now Honda CRV
Posts: 658
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oh how true.
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31-05-2016, 12:56
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#3 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sevenoaks, Kent
Vehicle: Terrano 2.7TDi SE Touring
Posts: 5,221
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Wow that hit home... it did forget to insert all the places where you have to use some pretty choice words though.
Sent from my SM-T705 using Tapatalk |
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31-05-2016, 13:41
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#4 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 12,965
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Haha well done spotting that
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31-05-2016, 14:55
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#5 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Welcome to Norwich, a fine city
Vehicle: 2004 Terrano 3.0 SVE Auto
Posts: 3,601
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Lol. I hate Haynes manuals but I have loads! ?
 
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31-05-2016, 15:52
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#6 |
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Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Staffordshire
Vehicle: Maverick Mk I 2.7 TD LWB
Posts: 7,825
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Very good, and many a true word lol...
It reminds me of one of our members, in his early days lol. 
__________________
Ford Maverick GLX 1995 2.7TD LWB in illusion silver, 98k miles. Owned since new, for 22 years. Best car I have ever owned. Just wish I could drive it more. |
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31-05-2016, 15:59
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#7 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Yorkshire, J33 M62
Vehicle: 2000 Terrano lwb 2.7TDI
Posts: 5,500
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All true, especially for a bloody terrano
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31-05-2016, 18:38
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#8 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Nr J28 M1
Vehicle: 03 Terrano 2.7 TDi
Posts: 995
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I don't like Haynes. The Chiltern manuals were so much better. Then Haynes purchased Chiltern
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31-05-2016, 22:12
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#9 |
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Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: West Midlands
Vehicle: 04 2.7 SWB Terrano II Van
Posts: 13,526
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The scary photos one and the 5 spanner rating had me in tears
__________________
Moderator 04' Terrano II SE 2.7 TDi SWB Commercial in Silver - Project Thread Toyo Open Country M/T 33's on 10J Steels, Super Strong Steering Job Navara D22 Snorkel, Front LOKKA, Maunal Hubs, EGR Blank TunitII ECU Chip, 3" Body Lift, 2" Suss Lift, Heat Exchanger Black Interior, 3.0 Borg&Beck Clutch, Eckes Heated Fuel Filter 99' Y61 Patrol GR SE 2.8 TD6 LWB in Blue/Silver - Project Thread Engine Transplant - In Progress!!! |
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