View Full Version : worst ever joke competition
the idea is to post your worst joke , we vote on which is the worst ... winner gets a club sticker paid for by me :thumb2
so come on folks drag those jokes out of the bin :lol
what do you call a fly with no wings ????
a walk
what do you call a fly with no wings ????
a walk
lol thats the idea
JimmyJaffa
12-09-2010, 22:12
Why did the Irish man sell he's tv? to buy a video.:lol:lol:lol:lol
11redrex
12-09-2010, 22:15
what do you call a fish with no eyes ?
a fsh.
2 oranges rolling down a hill , one stopped because it had run out of juice
Why doesn't Lennox Lewis have a playstation?
Cos he is an x-boxer
What goes tick-tock, woof-woof ??
a watchdog
I've just downloaded the koran, would you like me to burn you a copy.
Terranical
12-09-2010, 22:40
What do you call a blind deer - no eyed deer! (No idea)
where do you find a dog with no legs ? ...... where you left it
MudLifeCrisis
12-09-2010, 23:26
What do you call a blind deer - no eyed deer! (No idea)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea. ;O)
the idea is to post your worst joke , we vote on which is the worst ... winner gets a club sticker paid for by me :thumb2
so come on folks drag those jokes out of the bin :lol
You wont be having to spend any money Pete, there aint many of us can tells jokes as bad as yours:lol:lol:lol
macabethiel
13-09-2010, 10:18
Why did the Pillarbox ?
Its saw the garden fencing !
A man goes to the doctors and says "I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bum."
"Hows that!" replied the doctor.
vintagetransport
13-09-2010, 18:27
On a golf tour in Newfoundland , Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion
into a gas station in a remote part of town.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
''How's she cuttin' bye'' says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
''What are dose?'' asks the attendant. ''They're called tees'' replies
Tiger.
''Well, what on god's earth are dey for?'' inquires the attendant..
''They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving'', says Tiger.
''Fookin Jaysus'', says the Newfoundlander, ''Ford tinks of everyting!
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 21:22
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idea. ;O)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no C0CK???
Still no F@~king Idea!!!:clap:clap
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 21:23
I saw a man with a cabbage on a lead going across the park .i said what u doing with a cabbage on a lead ,,he looked at me and said ..oh i thought it was a collie
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 21:24
What's Orange and sounds like a Parrot??
A Carrot!!!
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 21:26
Man 'Doctor I've got a peanut stuck up me arse!!!'
Doctor 'Go home and have a bar of dairy milk and it'll come out a "treat"!!'
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 21:33
I thought i was going mad heard something laughing in the pantry. I opened the door it was a tickled onion!!
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 21:35
I hate going to a shop and forgetting things. I went to staples the stationers for some materials to do posters! Got there and there was something i needed but could not remember i hate it when that happens! I got home and was just coming in when I saw the rear end of my cat going through the cat flap tail in the air ,then I remembered it was a pencil sharpener id forgot . .
11redrex
13-09-2010, 21:43
why did the psychic cross the road ?
to get to the other side.
:o
An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"
The Patrolman
13-09-2010, 22:33
1306
:augie you started this!!!!!!!!!!!:confused:
come on .... im sure we can do better ( worse ? )
Whats blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us.
What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us Rex.
macabethiel
14-09-2010, 07:56
Why did the pervert cross the road ?
He couldn't get his knob out of the chicken !
BongoBerry
14-09-2010, 14:46
whats black, and white and red all over?
Answer 1: A newspaper
Answer 2: An injured nun
stevecrm
14-09-2010, 15:20
whats black, and white and red all over?
Answer 1: A newspaper
Answer 2: An MURDERED nun
whats green and sits in the corner?
the same nun 3weeks later
Whats got 5 legs and if it falls out a tree it will kill you ....
a grand piano.
whats green and goes backwards ?
sniff
This morning they found a second man floating in Barrymores pool ,he was bearded and wearing a dish dash.
When asked who he was the SOC officer replied
Taliban Suicide Bummer.
This morning they found a second man floating in Barrymores pool ,he was bearded and wearing a dish dash.
When asked who he was the SOC officer replied
Taliban Suicide Bummer.
They say Michael Barrymore has no ashtrays in his house.
Apparently they throw their fags in the pool.
why was the man with a cold disqualified from the walking race?
because he had a running nose !!!:lol
11redrex
14-09-2010, 18:46
why was the man with a cold disqualified from the walking race?
because he had a running nose !!!:lol
that's really bad, :thumbs
What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidiser...
The Patrolman
14-09-2010, 22:27
An Engerlish man, an Irelandish man and a Walesishman walk into a Pub!!
Bar man .. "Whats this some kind of F@UJkin' joke"
The Patrolman
14-09-2010, 22:29
Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp that bought a Wharehouse????
A priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, ‘This is a tree.’
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, ‘Tree.’
The priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, ‘This is a rock.’
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, ‘Rock.’
The priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The priest is really flustered and quickly responds, ‘Man riding a bike.’
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, ‘My bike.’
The funny thing is, i could really imagine this happening:lol
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What does your father do for a living?
Little Bruce was in his junior school class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
Fireman, policeman, salesman, politician, etc.
However, little Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. Reluctantly he replied, “My Dad’s an exotic dancer in a gay club, and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap room and let him shag him.”
The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring and then took Little Bruce aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
“No,” said Bruce, “My father plays football for England, I was just too embarrassed to say that.”
Whats the differance between a bison and a buffalo?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo
Tony
Whats long and thin
covered in skin
red in parts
and shoved in tarts?
Rhubarb
Tony
What word is most used in a brothel?
NEXT!
tONY
man went to the doctors with a cauliflower in one ear, brocolli in the other and a carrot up his nose.
"Doctor, I don't feel very well"
The doctor looked at him and said
"You're not eating properly"
Tony
Whats the difference between a poof and a microwave.
A microwave cant brown your meat.
11redrex
18-09-2010, 19:43
Two pigs are walking along the seafront, one turns to the other and says "where are the deck chairs". The other one says (in a pig voice) "I don't know"
JimmyJaffa
18-09-2010, 19:47
Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out your grandads trousers?
Your nan
macabethiel
18-09-2010, 21:43
Did you hear about the dyslexic philosopher ?
He sat up all night wondering if there is a dog.
can someone help me go to the toilet please
doctor says I shouldnt lift anything heavy.
come on folks , im sure we can do better ( worse ? ) :lol:lol
2 cows in a field talking .
" what do you think of that mad cow disease ermintrude ? "
" doesnt affect me , im a duck "
The Patrolman
22-09-2010, 21:57
Did you hear about the dyslexic philosopher ?
He sat up all night wondering if there is a dog.
I thought that was the dyslexic agnostic insomniac:nenau
What's red and white and sit's up a tree?
A sanitary owl !!!!!
Have you saw the price of velcro lately.
Its a rip off
A blonde calls british Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
Take to fly from london to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
The Patrolman
29-09-2010, 23:36
Why, Why, Why...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
Statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
none bad enough to win yet :lol
Did you hear the one about a Yorkshire man who bought a Mistral on ebay:augie
stevecrm
30-09-2010, 20:33
ooh, thats bad :eek: :lol
what do you call a dog with no tongue? :nenau :nenau
scruffy bollox :eek:
paul
extreme-4x4
30-09-2010, 21:34
What's green and turns red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidiser...
this is my favorite so far
this is my favorite so far
yeah must admit its pretty bad , but im sure we can do a lot worse :lol
2 oranges rolling down a hill , one stopped because it had run out of juice
The Patrolman
30-09-2010, 21:50
How do you sell a deaf man a Pig!!:nenau
Say
"Do you want to buy a pig!":doh
ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Nurses do not laugh.....
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bob declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professionalnurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure ..
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
Nurses do not laugh.....
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bob declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professionalnurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure ..
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
lol
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?”
The man said, “A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead.”
“I just can’t take that chance.”
The Patrolman
10-10-2010, 21:43
That's got to be up there in the running!!!
:jesterbg
Pat and Mick are up in a helicopter, Pat says to Mick.
"Mick, If this helicopter turns upside down, will we fall out",
Mick says "Dont be stupid Pat, we'd still be mates".
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
The Patrolman
10-10-2010, 22:39
What's brown and sticky?
A 'Stick' .........
A man in a curry house noticed something on the menu that he hadn't tried before. He called the waiter over and said:
"This chicken tarka, what's it like?"
The waiter paused to think for a moment:
"It's very similar to chicken tikka, it's just a little 'otter."
Why do elephants paint their bollocks red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A monkey eating cherries.:lol
What goes oooooo?
A cow with no lips
What goes oooooo?
A cow with no lips
:jesterbg
A girl is playing in her garden when she sees a gnome crouched in the corner with its head between its knees.
"Excuse me", says the girl, "Are you a Goblin?".
"No", says the gnome, "I've just got a headache".
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head, were all astrophysicists.
The brunette said, 'I'm going to build a rocket and fly to the moon!'
'Well,' said the red head, 'I'M going to build a rocket and fly to Mars!'
Then the blonde said, 'I'm going to build a rocket and fly to the SUN!'
The others asked, 'But won't it be very hot there?'
'Don't worry,' the blonde replied, 'I'll go at night time!'
a man goes to the doctors with jelly in one ear and custard in the other.
the doctor asks what the problem is and the man replies you will have to speak up i'm a trifle deaf.
two parrots sitting on a perch.
one says to the other can you smell fish?
i was sat at home last night when there was a knock at the door.
i opened it and a six foot beetle punched me in the face...i'd heard there was a nasty bug going round...
two blokes dressed as nuns walking down the street,one turns to the other and says we have got to get out of this habbit.
an egg is natures chav.
it thinks its hard in its shell suit but underneath its just an immature chicken.
i was in my local shop this morning and i fancied a pack of biscuits.i asked the shop assistant how much they where and she said they are £1 a pack.
have you got anything a bit cheaper i asked and she replied you can have a pack of broken ones for 50p,so i replied can you break me a good pack then.
Two women at a bus stop, minding their own business.....
Simon Cowell, Louis Walsh and Cheryl Cole are walking along the street when Cheryl Cole trips and gets her head stuck between two bars, as quickly as possible Simon Cowell runs over whips off her knickers off and starts givin her one, once he's finished he turns around to Louis and says "alright your turn", Louis starts crying. Simon confused, asks Louis what's wrong, "my head won't fit between the bars".
just had me water bill £180 the robbin twats....friggin oxfam can supply a whole village for just £2 a month
Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release:Miner: 'Can we switch the lights off?' . . . Wife: 'Of course honey' . . . ...Miner: 'Can I have you from behind?' . . . Wife: 'Anything you want my brave boy' . . . Miner: 'Can I call you Pedro?
" mummy , mummy ... are birds made of metal ? "
" of course not my dear , why do you ask ? "
" i just heard daddy say he'd like to screw the arse off the bird next door "
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner
"How can you tell one switch from another at night, as they all look the same ?"
"He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"
women used to call me pete the meat .... but i never understood why :augie
Its because your jokes are mince:lol:lol:lol
Terranical
29-10-2010, 08:46
the idea is to post your worst joke , we vote on which is the worst ... winner gets a club sticker paid for by me :thumb2
so come on folks drag those jokes out of the bin :lol
Viagra is now available in powder form for putting in your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit from going soft!
Viagra is now available in powder form for putting in your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit from going soft!
:jesterbg
slimlfc68
29-10-2010, 14:31
man walks in to the library and ask,s can i have a book about comiting suicide , piss off says the librarian you wont bring it back:lol
MudLifeCrisis
20-11-2010, 10:40
My champion racing snail seems to have stopped performing as he isn't winning any races these days.
I thought that it might be because he's getting older so I decided to remove his shell to bring his weight down a bit and make him a bit more aerodynamic and give him a fighting chance. Sadly it didn't go to plan.
In fact, if anything its made him a bit more sluggish
Q: On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
A: The outside.
none bad enough ( yet ) to warrant a club sticker , but i live in hope:augie
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
i am currently engaged in judging the jokes in this thread for the prize of a club sticker :thumb2.... if you wish to add any more of your jokes for consideration please do , but a decision will be made on friday :thumb2
i thank you all for your contributions , some of which had me giggling for ages , some of which had me feeling sick lol .
watch this space
regards
pete
what do you call a ten foot gorilla?
SIR :augie
what do you call a deaf ten foot gorilla?
anything you like he cant hear you :doh
as there are many many funny jokes entered , i am going to judge the contest on the member who posts the most funny jokes in this thread ..... it may or may not be tonight tho
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