Bat21
01-12-2008, 23:25
This is claimed to be a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board?
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied upon to blow off only their own arms and legs I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street too, and I've just finished redecorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this.........after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath night) when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no purpose other than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that, when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks, you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me?
I remain sirs, your obedient servant.
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Dear Mr …………,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area, and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ………
Community Beat Officer
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Dear PC ….
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead, or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain to these twats, (using words of no more than two
syllables at a time), that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance...............as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ************(date and time). If, after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board?
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.
Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
The remaining five walking-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed.
I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of Calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied upon to blow off only their own arms and legs I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street too, and I've just finished redecorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this.........after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath night) when there are no mutants around, then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no purpose other than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
I trust that, when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks, you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me?
I remain sirs, your obedient servant.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr …………,
I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area, and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Regards
PC ………
Community Beat Officer
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear PC ….
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.
16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.
May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead, or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain to these twats, (using words of no more than two
syllables at a time), that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.
The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance...............as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option, especially if the tide is in.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ************(date and time). If, after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.
Regards
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!