oh well, joke time, good OR bad

[zippy656]

Terrorists have planted a bomb packed with tins of alphabet spagetti. If it goes off it could spell disaster.

[zippy656]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren’t so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

[zippy656]

oh dear, bad joke time...


come on mate... they arn't that GOOD


-mex- -mex- -mex- -mex- -mex- -mex-

[mav]

If this is to stay here, Just think twice before hitting the submit button!.

Thanks, Mav.

[zippy656]

i say i say i say

what a loverly day,


to go up to a light house keeper and say


give us a quick flash!

[floyd500b]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[(RIP) PLANK]

you know i allways play by the rules and I will accept this one is cutting it bit fine so moderators feel free to moderate:

why did humpty dumpty push his girl friend off the wall?


he wanted to see her crack ! :lol: :lol:

[floyd500b]

-boxing-

[Bibio]

Just bought a Glasgow advent calender ! typical! ALL THE WINDOWS ARE BOARDED UP AND SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE CHOCOLATES !.

JOHN

[floyd500b]

:smile: :smile: :lol: :lol:

[Bat21]

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

[Thermostat]

:lol:

[Paul]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started.


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her some bathroom scales .
And then the fight started.


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station....
And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started...

[Paul]

there were 3 pigs.

the 1st pig went 2 a bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then went 2 the toilet then left

the 2nd pig went 2 the same bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then went 2 the toilet and left.

the 3rd pig went 2 the same bar, ordered a drink and gulped it down then was just bout 2 walk out wen the bartender said 2 the lil pig

'r u not gonna go 2 the toilet?'

the lil pig replied 'NO im the lil piggy and i go weee weee weee all the way home'

[Bat21]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing s e x Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

[Paul]

The other day i bought myself some sensible walking boots

and a little rucksack


and i went up to the lake district,



i walked for about five miles



then i stopped


and sat on a stone wall



and had a flask of coffee,





then i walked another five miles









and stopped











and had another flask........







bloody hell i'm rambling :lol: :lol:

[tezzer]

police in alabama have found a terrorists body, who'd been whipped, hung from a tree, shot 6 times & set on fire, sheriff said it's the worst suicide he'd ever seen.

paddy's wife is ready to give birth, he rushes her to hospital, on arrival midwife say's is she dilated?, paddy replies "jaysus she's over the blinking moon. (i have edited these, so i'll let you workout how)


tezzer

[zippy656]

all very good....

[Paul]

The Biggest Lies

Ann Landers challenged her readers to come
up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after
"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help you."

Here is a sampling from the thousands she
received:

- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only
have two more in stock."

- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your
height."

- "You made it yourself? I never would have
guessed."

- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."

- "You don't look a day over 40."

- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an
apartment of my own so I can have some
peace and quiet when I study."

- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."

- "The new ownership won't affect you. The
company will remain the same."

- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I
promise I'll take care of it myself."

- "Your hair looks just fine."

- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to
get there."

- "You don't need it in writing. You have my
personal guarantee."

[dinky]

THE BOUNCING CHEQUE







Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

[Paul]

Like it.. :lol: :lol:

[supertaff]

A young couple are driving down the road, when the young wife sees an injured skunk lying alongside the road. "Pity, let's stop and see if we can help it" she says.
Her husband stops the car and she runs back and picks the skunk up and walks back to the car with it.
"Oh , it's all cold and limp" she says to her husband ..... "How can I warm it up" ? she asks.
Her husband says "Get back in the car , and put it between your legs" , and she says "What about the smell"?
"Hold its bloody nose" says the husband !!!!

[Paul]

8O 8O -rotfl- What was her reply? :wink:

[zippy656]

Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with then

[willow]

Just bought a Glasgow advent calender ! typical! ALL THE WINDOWS ARE BOARDED UP AND SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THE CHOCOLATES !.

JOHN
I like that one :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Paul]

http://premium1.uploadit.org/Roytoner//image01111.jpg
http://premium1.uploadit.org/Roytoner//image01010.jpg
http://premium1.uploadit.org/Roytoner//image0077.jpg
http://premium1.uploadit.org/Roytoner//image0088.jpg

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Deleted Member D]

I uploaded the grenade pic onto the site gallery. :lol:
Good intit. :mrgreen:

[tezzer]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into
his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires.

[Deleted Member D]

Oh no its disappeared from your post look. :roll:
Dont worry tho Ive brought it back for you look. :wink: :lol:
http://www.nissan4x4ownersclub.co.uk/modules/coppermine/albums/userpics/10993/GetAttachment.jpg
No probs anytime. -moonie- -rotfl-

[Deleted Member D]

The other day i bought myself some sensible walking boots

and a little rucksack


and i went up to the lake district,



i walked for about five miles



then i stopped


and sat on a stone wall



and had a flask of coffee,





then i walked another five miles









and stopped











and had another flask........







bloody hell i'm rambling :lol: :lol: :|good one. -killingme-

[dinky]

6 Truths of Life





1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.











2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.










5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

[Deleted Member D]

-rotfl- I havnt got all my teeth but I still tried it. -rotfl-

[Paul]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.


They charged one and let the other one off. :lol: :lol:

[tezzer]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of der mornin' to yer sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those"? asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the God's earth are dey for"? inquires Paddy.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving"
"Fook me", says the Irishman,
"BMW thinks of everything".

[Paul]

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

[Paul]

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"

The man was a real smart alec and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"

The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
:lol:

[Bat21]

A cowboy goes into a German car show room.

He walks up to the salesman and says.... "Howdy"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Howdy... Audi... get it
.
.
.
... ok I'll get my coat :lol:

[Deleted Member D]

A cowboy goes into a German car show room.

He walks up to the salesman and says.... "Howdy"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Howdy... Audi... get it
.
.
.
... ok I'll get my coat :lol:Please do

[zippy656]

yep, think you best had.

ill get mine too, after all i did start this post..

[Bat21]

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[Paul]

The Zen Master is visiting London from Tibet.

He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a £20.00 note.

The vendor puts the £ 20.00 in the till and closes it.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[Deleted Member D]

yep, think you best had.

ill get mine too, after all i did start this post..No No dont blame yourself zippy please cos its a good idea really.
But its bound to attract the triers and the closet wanna be's. :lol:

[Paul]

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a large bin.

Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help.

It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

[zippy656]

lol thanks mate..


jsut had a bad week at work ..


30 odd people made redundant..

[Paul]

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.

A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane.
They found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief says, "Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew was shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you know...eat their....things"??

The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "NO", replied the Chief, " THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

[Deleted Member D]

KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
And I wanted to stay with you guys.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
As we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
Were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


A father was at the beach with his children
When the four-year-old son ran up to him,
Grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
Where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[zippy656]

like it

[(RIP) PLANK]

sorry lads but you seem to be getting this all wrong, its about 'BAD JOKES' ant these are all pretty good, now BAT21 has the right idea, well done that man :lol:

[Deleted Member D]

sorry lads but you seem to be getting this all wrong, its about 'BAD JOKES' ant these are all pretty good, now BAT21 has the right idea, well done that man :lol:Yeh but he got his coat and left after the last one. :lol:

[zippy656]

sorry PLANK couldn't resist changing the title after that comment



youll let me off i hope!?!?!?!

[Bibio]

Ten things men know about women.




(1) They have a vigina.








(2)













(3)













(4)














(5)













(6)













(7)














(8)











(9)













(10) OH and boobs

[Deleted Member D]

sorry PLANK couldn't resist changing the title after that comment



youll let me off i hope!?!?!?!Nice one :lol:

[Paul]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions? I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[(RIP) PLANK]

change the title if you please if it attracts more quality material like the stuff we have had I'm all for it :wink:

[Terranosaurus]

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bleeders have managed to nick a motorbike already".

[floyd500b]

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Paul]

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
the bleeders have managed to nick a motorbike already".

-rotfl- -rotfl- -rotfl- Knowing the Greater Manchester Police, this is soo true..

[zippy656]

well plank, i can but try, some have been good..

[Paul]

Why, Why, Why,



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
almost dead?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is
not enough money?


____________ _________ _________ _____

Why does someone

Believe you when you say there are four billion stars;
but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


____________ _________ _________ _____



Why does Superman stop bullets with
his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Whose
idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

____________ _________ _________ _____


If people evolved from apes,

Why are there still apes?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?

____________ _________ _________ _____

Is
there ever a day that mattresses

Are not on sale?
____________ _________ _________ _____

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

____________ _________ _________ _____


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


____________ _________ _________ _____



How do those dead bugs get into those
closed light fixtures?

____________ _________ _________ _____



When we are in the supermarket and
someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why
do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say,
'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

____________ _________ _________ _____



Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?


____________ _________ _________ _____



In winter why do we try to keep the
house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


____________ _________ _________ _____




How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



____________ _________ _________ _____





And my FAVORITE.... ..

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --
if they're okay, then it's you.
:lol: :lol:

[zippy656]

Perks of being over 50
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .



And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Send a copy of this to everyone you can remember.

[willow]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into
his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my
garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tires. -rotfl-

[willow]

Perks of being over 50
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without censored but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .



And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Send a copy of this to everyone you can remember. All so true -rotfl-

[CaptLimey]

Hey guys - fantastic posts - just lightened my day no end!!

[zippy656]

im here to serve... will find more forr you all soon, unless told not to

[CaptLimey]

During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced, by the revolutionaries, to death by the guillotine.
The Englishman is offered a blindfold and the opportunity to lay face down or face up. He boldly rejects the blindfold and says “I’ll meet my maker like a true Brit you Froggy…… (expletive deleted!!)”. He lays face up on the bench and sneers at the crowd. The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade descends at an alarming rate only to stop abruptly within millimetres of his neck! The crowd roars with disappointment and, as tradition states, if the condemned is not executed on the first fall of the blade, he must be freed. The prisoner is released to boos and shouts from the disappointed ghouls.
The Scotsman is next, like his predecessor he declines the blindfold, cursing his captors, he lays face up to watch the damnable machine send him to his death. Again the executioner yanks on the cord, the blade comes rushing down to sever his head, only to cease its deadly decent just a fraction from his neck! Again the crowd scream with renewed intensity having been, yet again, deprived of the blood and gore spectacle.
Finally the Irishman is led to the execution scaffold. Like his fellow condemned he declines the blindfold and takes his place facing the suspended blade.
The executioner seizes the release cord……he lifts it high and is about to give it a hefty tug…….. when the Irishman raises his hand…….. pointing to the top of the guillotine and says “Joost a minnit.... oi can see de trouble!”

My sincere apologies to our English, Scottish and Irish members, no offence meant, honest! CL

[Paul]

During the French revolution an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are sentenced, by the revolutionaries, to death by the guillotine.
The Englishman is offered a blindfold and the opportunity to lay face down or face up. He boldly rejects the blindfold and says “I’ll meet my maker like a true Brit you Froggy…… (expletive deleted!!)”. He lays face up on the bench and sneers at the crowd. The executioner pulls the release cord and the blade descends at an alarming rate only to stop abruptly within millimetres of his neck! The crowd roars with disappointment and, as tradition states, if the condemned is not executed on the first fall of the blade, he must be freed. The prisoner is released to boos and shouts from the disappointed ghouls.
The Scotsman is next, like his predecessor he declines the blindfold, cursing his captors, he lays face up to watch the damnable machine send him to his death. Again the executioner yanks on the cord, the blade comes rushing down to sever his head, only to cease its deadly decent just a fraction from his neck! Again the crowd scream with renewed intensity having been, yet again, deprived of the blood and gore spectacle.
Finally the Irishman is led to the execution scaffold. Like his fellow condemned he declines the blindfold and takes his place facing the suspended blade.
The executioner seizes the release cord……he lifts it high and is about to give it a hefty tug…….. when the Irishman raises his hand…….. pointing to the top of the guillotine and says “Joost a minnit.... oi can see de trouble!”

My sincere apologies to our English, Scottish and Irish members, no offence meant, honest! CL

8O 8O


-rotfl- -rotfl- -rotfl-

[willow]

Hey guys - fantastic posts - just lightened my day no end!! Hello from me all good fun here Zippy is the main man in good clean jokes :wink:

[Paul]

Talking of jokes..

An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.

"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."

"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."

"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"

[Paul]

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... :roll:

[elty001]

2 blokes are on a night out when they decide they want to go to a nightclub.they wait in line to get in the club and finally its there turn to pay when the bouncer says to one of the blokes i'm sorry but you can't come in unless you are wearing a tie.the bloke says to his mate you go in and i will meet you inside as i'm sure iv'e got a spare tie in the car.the bloke nips back to his car franticly searching for a tie but all he can find are some jump leads.he put them on and tries his hardest to make them look like a tie.he waits in line again and he finally reaches the door wwhen yet again the bouncer stops him and explains about the tie rule.the bloke begs the bouncer to let him in as he has done his best with the jump leads.after some begging the bouncer finally says o.k i will let you in but you better not start anything :smile:

[zippy656]

this post is nearly as long as Willow hello one!!!

[Deleted Member D]

this post is nearly as long as Willow hello one!!!Youve no chance mate :lol:
That will go on for ever I reckon :lol:
Go on willow go for it gal -rotfl- -boxing2-

[zippy656]

i think Willow's post reallly show up what our club is all about


BEEING FRIENDLY AND HELPPFULL




oh and no knowing how to spell"!!!!!!!!

:lol: :lol:

[Deleted Member D]

Nice one Chris

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present

for his new girlfriend.



They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in

Scotland .



Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful

consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the

right note... not too romantic and not too personal.



Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair

of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a £20 pair of

sexy knickers for herself at the same time.



Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two

items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the

knickers.



Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the

following letter



Dear Maggie,



I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when

we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would

have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones

(which are easier to remove).



These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from

showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I

hardly noticed any marks.



I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even

though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub

against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed

to wash it since she began wearing them.



I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt

many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

again.



When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because

they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.



Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

year.



I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.



All my Love, Chris



P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down

with a little bit of fur showing.

[elty001]

Nice one Chris

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
must have been an expensive christmas cracker :lol: :lol: :lol:

[elty001]

what did the blonde girl say when she opened a box of cheerio's?
oh look doughnut seeds........ :?



two blonde girls walking down the street when one finds a mirror on the floor.she picks it up,looks in it and says to her mate"i know that face but i just can't think who it is"
her mate says "give it here and let me have a look"
she looks in the mirror and laughs"its me you dizzy cow!!"



a blonde,brunette and a redhead are on the run and they decide to to hide in a barn over night.in the early hours of the morning the police are searching all the buildings on the farm so the 3 girls decide to hide in some big sacks until the police have gone.
the police come into the barn and have a good look round.
all they can see is hay bales and a pile of sacks.the copper smacked the first sack in which the brunette was hiding and she meowed.just cats thought the copper.
he smacks the next sack in which the redhead was hiding and she yelped and barked.just puppies thought the copper.
he smacks the third sack in which the blonde was hiding and she shouted potatoes.......

[(RIP) PLANK]

dabda the one about the gloves was in my opinion the best one yet! well done -cheers-

[Bat21]

I once knew an alcoholic who had dyslexia. He choked to death on his own Vimto :lol:

[elty001]

i went to a dyslexic rave once...they were taking f's and injecting herons.

[(RIP) PLANK]

and what about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to santa? :lol:

[robobone]

i spilt alabhet spagetti on my keybored today
nearly spelt danger :lol:
i thought it was funny :oops:

[dinky]

The Original Computer!!!!




Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity


A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy.


?You just hoped nobody ever found out!?!


?

[floyd500b]

-mex-

[tezzer]

-rotfl- -rotfl- -rotfl-

[Paul]

Mummy, Mummy, Mummy. Can I have a puppy for Christmas ?
No.
You'll have turkey like everyone else.


Knock Knock
Who's there
Hannah
Hannah who
Hannah partridge in a pear tree


Advice from Santa
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue
Until all the birds have flown South for the winter


What do you call a reindeer in the desert?
Lost


How does Good King Wencelas like his pizza ?
Deep pan, crisp and even


What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle


Santa's sleigh broke down last christmas
He flagged down a passing motorist and asked if he could help
The motorist replied "I'm sorry, I am not a mechanic, I'm a chiropodist."
Santa asked "In that case, can you give me a tow?"

[floyd500b]

Oh Dear :wink:

:oops: OOOps just checked the thread title, I see bad jokes ARE allowed.

Cheers

Graham

[Paul]

Oh Dear :wink:

:oops: OOOps just checked the thread title, I see bad jokes ARE allowed.

Cheers

Graham

:oops: :oops: :mrgreen:

[floyd500b]

Oh Dear :wink:

:oops: OOOps just checked the thread title, I see bad jokes ARE allowed.

Cheers

Graham

:oops: :oops: :mrgreen:
No Worries :smile: :smile:

[Deleted Member D]

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid
problem?'



2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.




3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.




4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.



5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.



6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.



7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.



8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.



9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.



10) I saw six men = kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'



11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?




12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.



13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither



14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.




15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.



16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

[Deleted Member D]

PETER KAY'S
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS



1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.



2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.



3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.




4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.




5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.



6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.



7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.



8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.



9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.



10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.



11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.



12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.



13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.



14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.



15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.



16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.



17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[zippy656]

Oh Dear :wink:

:oops: OOOps just checked the thread title, I see bad jokes ARE allowed.

Cheers

Graham

i started it asbag jokes only, but some were getting good so had to change the tile...

[Terranosaurus]

abdull:- how was your holiday rashid?

rashid :- not bad but the muder mystery weekend in mumbi was a bit intense.

[Terranosaurus]

Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says.....































do you know how to drive this thing?

[(RIP) PLANK]

doctor you have to get this steering wheel out of my pants!





its driving me nuts! :lol:

[Paul]

Here are a few pics of the sorts of jobs that you don't find many people applying for :-

Errrm anyone got a torch?
http://www.postimage.org/Pq2OQmDA.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2OQmDA)

Not one for the easily scared.....
http://www.postimage.org/Pq2OQY2J.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2OQY2J)

Maybe you should have called the plumber just a bit earlier.
http://www.postimage.org/Pq2ORqZr.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=Pq2ORqZr)

So that's why it's called a manhole.
http://www.postimage.org/aV2y1PoJ.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV2y1PoJ)

It brings a whole new meaning to "Porta Poti"
http://www.postimage.org/aV2y23mA.jpg (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV2y23mA)


Hope these made you smile. Remember there is always someone worse off than you.

Paul..

[zippy656]

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed the old lady over

[zippy656]

You learn a lot in your teenage years.

For example, I learnt that
if you're ever being chased by a police dog, try not to go through
a little tunnel, then onto a mini-seesaw and then jump through a
ring of fire......they've been trained for that.

[zippy656]

A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load
across the carriageway......... Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded,
astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.

[zippy656]

I tried to cook an African casserole for dinner last night using Hyena meat and oxo cubes.
It didn't turn out well and just made myself a laughing stock.




A coach carrying a hundred professional stuntmen to a convention had an accident on the motorway.
It crashed through the central reservation, ploughed into a juggernaut, fell thirty feet down an
embankment and turned over six times before hitting a wall, bursting into flames and exploding.
No one was injured.

[Paul]

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.
So I pushed the old lady over
Hope you emptied her pockets before you helped her back up!! :wink:

[Paul]

The Village Idiot

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul.

"I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while.

Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates.

"Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to a drunken Texas governor weeing off a balcony.

"You've got to be kidding," said St. Paul, "Not only is he dumber than a box of rocks, he's got drinking and drug problems."

"I don't care," said God, "This is the guy."

Perplexed, St. Paul asked: "What is the problem, Lord, art thou angry with the Americans?"

"No," said God, "I made a bet with the Devil that I could get a village idiot to run for president."

"But won't that work in the Devil's favor, oh Lord?" Paul asked.

"That's all right," said God, "he'll never take Florida."

[Paul]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds
worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold
move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in
the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases
of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the
shower!

:roll: :roll:

[floyd500b]

Nice :lol: :lol: :lol:

[(RIP) PLANK]

can we see the photos :wink: :lol:

[Deleted Member D]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

[rag1873]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!

[Deleted Member D]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_whistle.gif

[rag1873]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_whistle.gif

Its still bad!!!

[Deleted Member D]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_whistle.gif

Its still bad!!!Shall I erase it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_doh.gif

[(RIP) PLANK]

I have one a friends young daughter told me!

what do you call fish with no eyes?

'FSH' it works better when you say it, but not much :lol:

[rag1873]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_whistle.gif

Its still bad!!!Shall I erase it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_doh.gif

No... its so bad i laughed!!!

[floyd500b]

I have one a friends young daughter told me!

what do you call fish with no eyes?

'FSH' it works better when you say it, but not much :lol:

Yeah - that's a bit lame :smile:

[Paul]

What is the difference between a fish and a piano ?

You can't tuna fish.
:lol:

[zippy656]

This is bad. .................................................. ......................................
Why did the baby biscuit cry ?
Cos its mum was a wafer so long. http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/nenau.gif

You are right dadba... that is bad!!!Would it help if I said a friends 8yr old son told me it ? :? http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg43/dadba/Dec%2007%20to%20Dec%2008/dadba1/eusa_whistle.gif


get him on here then, as some of yours are VERY bad..

[Paul]

husband and wife are shopping in Tesco when the husband picks up crate of Stella and places it in the trolley,"What do you think youre doing" says the wife,"Theyre on offer,10 quid for 24 cans"he says."put them back,we cant afford it "says his wife.They carry on shopping,when further down the aisles the wife picks up a jar of 20 quid face cream and puts it in the trolley."What do you think youre doing"says hubby."Its my face cream,it makes me look beautiful"says his missus."Hubby replies"so does 24 cans of Stella,and its half the price"

[Paul]

Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat cr*p in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me
for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank
clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for
pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to
seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the five quid I found dropped in the car park because
it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on your
head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and it was on Good Morning Australia.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after a
lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have any friends, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[floyd500b]

I'm sure this has been posted quite recently - may have been another site :?

[willow]

Yep heard it before
:smile:
Was it zippy
:?:

[willow]

Irish man in bed with his wife gets woken up by the nieghbours dog barking.
He says to his wife I can,t stand this I am going to do something about it.
He leaves the house and 15mins later he returns
Wife says ok so what have done :roll:
He says I have put the dog in our garden See how they like it

[floyd500b]

I think so - you gonna respond Zippy - worth another post!!

[zippy656]

I think so - you gonna respond Zippy - worth another post!!

how do i know.. i tink it was me...
but who knows..


thanks floyd... i need all the posts i can get. dont want to post jusT TO GET TEH NUMBERS UP

[dinky]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


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The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.


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The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.


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That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


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The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


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The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.


If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?



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The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


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The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.



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The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.


We shall now show you the way to the sound.


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The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


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The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?


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The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


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Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Theman requests the key to the stone door.


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The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


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>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


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Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


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The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


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. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


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DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!



Dinky













Sarcism is the moss gathered on a rolling stone' - Steinbeck

[floyd500b]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[tezzer]

"The Indian With One Testicle"
A true story.
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone final ly
cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called
him by that name any more.
Then one day, a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do.
Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name, until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Birdellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, "Good to see you again, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
withOneStone!!!=2 0

-rotfl- -rotfl- -rotfl-







tezzer

[floyd500b]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[zippy656]

Once upon a time there lived a king.


The king had a beautiful daughter,

the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.




But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly .



The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?








(Scroll down for the answer)











M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

[tezzer]

like it -rotfl- -rotfl- lmao











tezzer

[willow]

:lol: :lol:

Where do you get them all from.
:roll:

[zippy656]

i get sent some from friends.. ( yes i DO have some )

and i pic a few good one form other 4x4 sites im a member of



just to my every one smile...